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JGJTan Icon : (05 July 2018 - 10:07 AM) So this has been a while! It's @jgjtan and @leftyy here having a nostalgia trip. We hope you all have been having a great time so far! Miss you, be back in another 5-10 years. (Or find me on social media -- it's not that hard.)
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X Zolon Icon : (05 October 2017 - 05:02 AM) Strange. I was thinking about it around the same time. Just didn't come back until now. Hope everyone is well.
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Rylkan Icon : (08 July 2017 - 06:33 PM) I was actually hoping to get in touch with Cspace since its been forever. But it looks like our old leader is lost to the void.
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When Broken Is Easily Fixed

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 03 April 2012 - 12:20 PM

Y'know, I said I was going to blog again aaaages ago back in October but that really never came into fruition. I don't know what stops me from doing so, but it's only these very rare instances in which I decide to impart my musings due to my lack of being able to discern the right path. Therefore, I'm hoping that writing this all down will help decide what I need to do.

It's always about a boy. I swear, I'm such an open person about my life with everybody (and I mean everybody I meet, no jokes) that there's very little room for me to have a private life. I guess this blog is a direct correlation to that factor. When I kept my life somewhat private during high school, I blogged nearly every single day. As soon as I became more open in person, that suddenly diminished. I mean, I've always been a very gregarious and outgoing person, but I'd also been a very withdrawn person at the same time. It had nothing to do with me having not openly come out yet, that which I'm certain, but there's quite a similar timeline which can't be denied.

I mean, I've always known about myself, and even in my earlier blogging I never denied any part of that, even when heaps of my high school mates would read this blog. It's more that I grew out of my shell even further (dear god help us all) and became even more open about my life. Life's funny like that. We abandon that which helps us through the tough times until we're suddenly back in that position again...

In blog we trust.

So, back to my problems. I swear my life is full of problems. ONE DAY I shall update this blog with my whole life's history. Maybe in a week or two after I get my wisdom teeth out and I won't be able to do anything at all. But yes, my life hasn't changed at all. There's a drama going on everyday and there's always a problem filled with action and emotion lurking around every corner. I'm not a drama queen. I just reckon everything seems to stick to me like araldite glue. And not the ultra clear as well, since you can always see my problems ever so slightly (for those who don't know, most glues and adhesives tend to dry a little yellow - oh the racist quips against myself I could throw in right now...).

ANYWAY. Stop sidetracking. I swear my brain keeps getting distracted by itself and other things. Which funnily enough reminds me, somewhat on topic, but I reckon (and so does Matty) that I might have some mild form of ADD or something, since I never can be still and my thought patterns always digress and I can't not be busy. I also tend to forget things. A lot. I dunno. A mild case.

But anyway. We come full circle to the source of all my problems: a boy. It's always a boy. This blog starts with a boy, this blog deals with boys, and this blog never can completely solve any issues about boys. Funnily enough, my favourite ice-cream is boysenberry. But yes, a boy... and not just any boy either. THE boy. The one who gave me grief (not in a bad way) throughout my whole first year of university. The one who haunted my thoughts towards the very, very end of my relationship with Jem, and who continued to do so well after the breakup. The boy whom I didn't talk to for a whole year afterwards and tried and failed to make contact so many times.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, he began to crop up everywhere as soon as I moved into town. Every single day I would catch a glimpse of him. He knew I saw him, and I knew that I saw him, but we both decided to ignore it. Mine for shame, his for god-knows-what, or so that's what I hope to believe over our encounters. But once per day I would see him and each time he would send my heart a-flutter.

Jack.

There's something about this boy which is toxic to me. I can't stop thinking about him, and wondering whether or not he is thinking about me. But maybe I should start from the beginning.

In my first year of university, I met this boy when our flat was in search for furniture at the local Sally's store. Jack and Ottilie were at the store hunting out the very same items and we all accompanied each other on our journey back home. From that point onwards, they were always hanging out at our flat or we would visit them. From the moment I met him I developed an ever-so-slight crush. He was the kind of person who didn't like a lot of people, or people in general for that matter. And yet, for some strange reason, he enjoyed hanging out with us, and he enjoyed the company of myself. Unfortunately, tragic events led him to put his distance between people and our fluttering relationship of nothing didn't last that long.

I didn't hear from him for weeks on end. Then, out of nowhere, he knocked on my apartment door. I was so surprised, but happy and relieved at the same time. We talked for so long, and when he said goodbye it seemed like everything was perfectly fine. For the next week or so, everything was as calm as anything, albeit a bit more tense in a relationship-kinda way. I couldn't help but feel drawn to him, and it seemed he felt the same. Then one day, like any other that week of heightened emotion, we were talking as per usual, when we suddenly got into a little tussle. I mean, our relationship's always been like that. We had out punches, we had our throws, but then we'd always have our hugs afterwards. That tussle led to him pinning me down, and him gazing into my eyes. I could feel his heartbeat, and I could feel the tension between us. He got up to leave, questioning what I wanted, but I pulled him back. Again, we fought, and for the second time again he pinned me down.

And then we kissed. Three times. My heart melted right there in his grip.

But then that all began to dissolve right afterwards when it was established that we couldn't have a relationship at the time. My heart broke, but I knew that I could do nothing at the time to fix what was broken. And so we parted, only talking in brief spurts to each other over the next few weeks before the connection severed. We both had busy lives, but even then there was a big gaping void where he should have been.

Knowing our luck, we were reuinted once again a few months afterwards, for just a brief amount of time. I met him in passing when we were on our way back home. Again, like a wound having healed itself, his embrace was all that mattered. We talked for only a short period of time, but it meant everything to me. In the morning, I sent him a text message of apology for my intoxicated state the night before, and I still recall the text message which he sent me.

"Haha don't worry about it, aside from the dump truck sound effects you're kinda cute when you coma =P"

From that point onwards, I never heard from him since. For the rest of the year I heard nothing at all, but I guess that seemed like a resolution to me. In the year after, I fell in love with a man called Jem, and he kept me alive for the next year and a bit. Yet there's always something about your first true love... and I don't throw the word love with as much emotion around willy-nilly. For he cropped back up in my life, in the last week of March 2011, when mine and Jem's relationship was already falling to pieces. A spark somewhere in me reignited, when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere at my work. What is it with encountering boys at my workplace? And then we'd continue to bump into each other on the street. I thought the flame had disappeared, but deep in my heart I knew it hadn't. It was the strangest week of my life. As per usual, I never saw him for a long period of time, and then all of a sudden he comes out of nowhere and keeps on appearing.

But this time, the last time I saw him was the 30th of March. It was the night of my friend's 20th birthday, and that was the last time we properly spoke to each other, and yet again I was drunk out of my mind. After me and Jem split up, I thought there might have been an opportunity, but I knew I'd left it too long. Besides, there was no way I wanted a rebound relationship to occur. That would not heal anything. So for the next year we never saw each other...

Until this year, when I moved into town. As soon as I did that, he appeared everywhere, but we never spoke. My heart would skip a beat whenever I caught a glimpse of him, and I would hide behind anyone and anything so he wouldn't see me, for the shame of him being aware of my presence.

And yet, as history tells us all, it was inevitable that we would again. Thanks to good ol' Facebook, I knew he would be attending the same party that I would be going to on the 30th of March... the 21st of the girl whose 20th we'd both celebrated the year before. How fitting, that exactly a year later we would strike up a conversation. And yet, for the whole week leading up to it I was dreading the very encounter. My workmates knew what I was having to face, and I kept on telling them to expect me with a black eye or something similar the next day.

He wasn't there. When I arrived at the party, he wasn't anywhere to be seen. My heart was crestfallen, but at least seeing all my friends and those whom I hadn't seen in years was enough to cheer me up, ever so slightly. The night raged on, and half a bottle of vodka later I was in my zone. And then the balloon-popping fiesta happened. Hayley immediately yanked me outside in order to sedate me and I stayed there for a while, just enjoying the fresh air of the outside. After some time, I turned to go inside...

And there he was. Jack freaking (insert last name here, because I've learnt from my past to not include full names in this blog apart from my own), sitting on the steps outside the front door. He immediately called out my name, not with malice or hate, but with warmth. I was so confused. We hugged... and the warmth just engulfed me. The confusion was there, but his arms kept everything right. After our quick reunion, we sat next to each other and caught up... and apologized. Not just myself, but he had his own apologies as well. It turns out we'd both misinterpreted each others' actions/inactions at our previous encounter and we both held our own about it.

As soon as those apologies were said aloud to the night, I felt like everything had suddenly come right. All the pieces came together and fixed themselves, like nothing had happened at all. We fought as per usual, and we held one another in our arms afterwards like nothing had changed. Sitting down with his arms wrapped around me felt like I'd come home. Home... everyone would make comments about how cute and perfect we looked, and we'd both laugh and shrug off their comments.

Jack had told me during our last encounter that he'd tried dating others, all girls, during our extended absence from each other, but that never worked out. It turns out that he hadn't stopped having feelings for me, and it turned out that I hadn't either. When we first met, I found out that he was bisexual, yet he preferred females nine times out of ten. And yet, me, that one part, managed to keep a hold over him. During our most recent encounter, I asked whether he'd found anyone again, with my heart racing ever so slightly.

No. Even after a year, he still hadn't found anyone. He told me that he hated people, and that he would never find anyone who would like him or be able to stand him. I asked him if he hated me. He looked me straight in the eye, smiled, produced a warm and soft laugh that only Jack can do, and said that he didn't hate me at all. I stared back at him, smiled, and then nestled back into his arms and chest. I had no words to say, for that's all I needed to hear. For the rest of the night, we playfought and held each other closely after each bout. He'd gotten considerably stronger. He also made a remark about my increase in strength, to which I replied that the only reason I'd gotten stronger was in order to be able to pin him down one day. He laughed, and then proceeded to throw me to the ground. Right afterwards, he picked me up and gave me a hug. And this continued for the rest of the night...

But then he had to leave. I implored him to stay, but he had work in the morning. We held each other even tighter, and hugged for so long... but Jack was never one for extended soppy moments, and I knew that. We both pulled away from each other, and in that cool-kinda Jack fashion, he turned around with a ciggarette in his hand and left to be swallowed up by the darkness.

I looked towards him, then turned back inside... but something was different. I knew that I didn't want a repeat of history, and I knew that I had grown up. We both had grown up, and we'd realized that after our long conversation throughout the evening. Some things, however, never change. I'd made up my mind. I immediately turned back around, ran after him (slipping over on the lawn mid-launch) and called out his name. He hadn't gotten far. It actually seemed like he'd stopped for a brief moment. I know those Jack strides. He was the one who taught me to make walking fast a normal pace. I asked him if I could walk with him into town, as we both lived just around the corner from each other. He agreed, and I ran back into the house to say my goodbyes and pick up the rest of my gear.

As soon as I got back to him, he put his arm around my waist and we walked all the way home like that. The only time he let go was when we went into the service station to buy stuff (he got a milkshake, I got some vege crisps). It was cute, because he said that we'd beat up whoever threw any gay slander at us, but alas we encountered none (which we both found surprising, but I guess times change). I had my own personal escort for the whole trip home. He didn't take the direct route either. Instead, he walked me the long way home, arm around my waist, and it felt like bliss. When we finally arrived at my doorstep, we said our goodbyes. We hugged for so long, and then parted with a kiss. The difference in last time, was that he said that he'd see me soon.

Ever since then, I haven't stopped thinking about him. The very next day, I was pretty much glowing despite having only had a conversation, playfight, and continual hugs with him. My workmates were astonished I didn't have a black eye, and everything was seen through honeymoon eyes for the rest of the day. And the next day. And the day after that.

Which brings me to today... I came to this blog not knowing what to do, when in reality I was coming here to affirm my answer in stone. I'm going to add him on Facebook, once again for the god knows how many times it's been, and if he doesn't accept then I'll be okay. I hope. But as they say, there's no finding out the answer without raising a question first. We're both busy people, but here's hoping that he feels like starting up a relationship this time, or at least that we can be friends.

I'm just dying for a bloody Jack hug god damnit.


~ Jonny


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