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Tears Dry On Their Own

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 19 July 2012 - 12:31 PM

He is one of the most dysfunctional people I have ever met in my life, but I honestly have no idea what I'm going to be like as soon as he leaves.

So Joe is catching the bus back up north this weekend before he heads across the ditch to set up residence in Australia. I've known for ages, but I never realized how hard it'd be to let him go until just recently... I mean, this is pretty much a similar situation to when Nick left for Thailand a few years back, and it's happening all over again with a friend who's so close to me it's absolutely ridiculously painful. The only plus side is that he changed his plans up a bit so he'll be back down in Wellington for a week before he flies out for good.

I mean, I wasn't going to blog about all this. I really wasn't. Like, today I was considering it but then thought against it and said the moment would pass, but then so many things happened that I really couldn't help it. Hopefully this entry is going to help me release all this bloody tension and just let me relax for one moment.

So we'd made plans to hang out yesterday (Wednesday) night and just catch up and stuff before he left (actually, I can't remember if we were going to do that tomorrow or Saturday as well...). I didn't realize how excited I was about the whole thing until the day when I started work, and I was in such a damn good mood it was insane. All the customers, reps, and my co-workers noticed as well, and they all said it was because of bingo. I mean, that's what I thought I was super excited about as well, and pretty much was going on about it, until I got a surprise visit from Joe at work in the middle of the day. He was on his way to meet a mate for lunch, but decided to pop in and hang out with me for a bit, and did so for a good solid half hour before he had to leave. I told him to haul his {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} to my work by 6pm so we could commence the drinking as soon as I finished. Everyone at work after he left started asking me questions, but of course I had to brush them aside.

But yeah, it then made me realize that I was more excited about the fact that I was going to hang out with Joe than actually go to bingo, since the plan was to just hang and drink at mine, and then when I left for bingo he'd leave for home. So he rocks up at my work at 5pm because he was bored and just wanted to hang out early, and so I got to chill with him for the last hour of my shift which was super fun. The crack up part was he arrived carrying a 12 pack of beer and a bottle of red wine. Well, it's more like looking after an annoying child, as Abby put it bluntly. And again, that's why I keep telling everyone I have to look after him otherwise he'll just cause mischief. And he did. I had to hide the lolly basket from him and keep telling him off every few minutes.

As soon as the clock hit 6pm, I was pretty much racing upstairs to get all my stuff and change and we were out the door so fast. 2 bottles of wine (his red that he wanted me to try, since he loved it and said I definitely had to have some, and my white which I'd saved to drink with him as a leaving present and was expensive and delicious), and 8 bottles of beer later, we were heading to S&M's to go play some bingo and drink a hell of a lot more alcohol. I was absolutely shocked. I knew I'd easily be able to convince him to come for a drink at the bar, but he willingly said that he was going to come play bingo with me. What the hell. He HATES bingo!

We got so many comments that night as well it was ridiculous. At one point, when we were leaving (Joe was forcing me to leave early in order to save himself from succumbing to his natural dirty habits of hitting on people), we bumped into some random who started talking to us and then said we were a cute couple. We then just looked at each other blankly, and I was like we're not together. She then said I was joking, and then said that we were really cute together, and again we just looked at each other blankly. No matter how much we denied it, apparently we looked good together? It was so very, very odd.

When we got home via finding some food, we pretty much just passed out and went to sleep. The morning consisted of us hating the world, but we were surprisingly okay but that was because we noted that we didn't partake in any shots last night. We just lay in bed for ages not wanting to get up, and he ended up just ditching his friend whom he was going to meet for brunch, and we just hung out for the whole morning, and our breakfast consisted of finishing those last beers... ugh. I then had to leave for uni, and so we walked through town and parted halfway as he had errands to run for the rest of the day.

After spending the day at uni and then a quick pop by through work, I got home to a reminder that Joe had been there; clothes strewn everywhere, broken chips on the floor, and a dozen empty beer bottles and two empty wine bottles just scattered all throughout my room. My music playlist for this afternoon consisted of music he'd been playing to me all morning, and every so often random things would just remind me of him. The worst was one song, "Lights" by Ellie Goulding, which I've currently had on repeat for the past few hours in between episodes of Archer and for the duration of this blog entry. Just the accent of her voice, the way in which she pronounces her words, and the overall style of music just immediately made me think of Joe, and it took so much effort for me to not cry when the realization hit me. So for the whole night, I've been trying to keep myself occupied and not think of the fact that one of the closest people in my life at the moment is leaving me.

I mean, his personality is unique. He's immature, strong-willed, arrogant, rude, blunt, funny, kind, hot-tempered, and insane. While he can drive so many people up the wall, for some reason it doesn't phase me at all. I have all the patience in the world for him.

Last week he ended up staying at mine again after a night of bingo (which he didn't partake in, of course). We were just drinking and hanging out, and ended up leaving early because it was a pretty dead night. It was funny, because I'd cooked dinner before I went out and was thinking while preparing dinner "hmm... I'd better make extra, because I wouldn't be surprised if Joe ends up crashing at mine tonight". So after meeting Joe at the bar, and we're drinking and chilling, I find out that he hasn't eaten dinner at all because he was meant to be going out to meet a mate for dinner, but ended up staying out to just chill with me and some others. When it's time to leave, he's like to me "you know I'm crashing at yours, right?" and I was like "I know, I've got dinner ready for you when we get home". Of course I wake up in the morning with another bite on my right shoulder, next to the one from the prior week which was still healing, but again that was another thing I had expected to happen.

So tonight, as I switched my music and my computer off and hopped into bed, I thought I'd sleep early at midnight since I have work at 7am in the morning... as soon as I hopped into bed and rolled over, I could just smell Joe. Whenever he stays over, he sleeps on the left side and I take up the right. When I'm by myself, I usually sleep towards the right anyway, since I like having the wall close by. So when I rolled over after starting on the right, my brain just went into overdrive.

It made me realize that Joe has been the most consistent social interaction I've had with the same person outside of a work situation (excluding my flatmates, whom I work with as well) in such a long time. As soon as he leaves, I'm not going to have anyone to share my bed with for a very long time. No one to just randomly have over to drink all night. I mean, I know a lot of my mates would be keen for that, but their attitude towards money and alcohol is a lot different than that of mine and Joe's. We're the kinda people who don't care about money because friendship is priceless, and all the personal stuff that we've experienced in life has toughened us up quite a bit. Not saying that I'm reckless, but we both just do whatever we feel like because we're aware of the consequences that our actions bring, but just accept them and do whatever we want. We only live once...

So within 15mins of having put myself to bed, I just got up and turned my computer back on and came straight here to clear my head.

When he leaves, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm pretty much going to have a breakdown akin to that of the one I had when Nick left. I just don't like change, and I hate it when people close to me leave. I'm sure the days will be fine, but it's just going to be tough getting through the nights for a while... especially next Wednesday. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up just sitting at the bar by myself when bingo finishes, slowly drinking away my sorrows while I cry over the fact that I'm all alone. I mean, I know I've got a whole bunch of friends who would come hang out, but no one would just come out on a whim and stay out all night, despite living out in the suburbs.

I just need to find someone who lives in town and would want to hang out with me at night, either to have a few drinks with, or to just hang out and talk, or go out for random walks or something. I dunno. This past month with Joe has made me realize and remember just how dependent a person I am on others. I mean, I'm quite an individualistic person, but I really need people around me in order to survive. Social interaction is what keeps me alive. I have never felt so alive in such a long time. Before Joe, my life had gotten back into a routine. Home was spent playing video games and hanging out with my mates online, and don't get me wrong but that's pretty awesome. It's just that Joe pretty much turned everything in my life upside down, and made me remember just how much I miss having someone close to me. Currently my appetite for gaming has dried up significantly (minus GW2... that's going to be amazing) and home is just boring.

I'm afraid to go back to my bed, because it's empty and smells of him, but I don't want to change my sheets because I don't want to let go of him so soon. I absolutely hate this feeling, but Joe has made such a lasting impact on my life in such a short amount of time that it's driving me insane and it pains me for him to leave.

I'm probably going to cry when I go back to bed, because I'm currently trying to not tear up while sitting in front of my computer just thinking about everything. Wish me luck.

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