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I Will Always Love You

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 04 October 2012 - 11:19 AM

I've pretty much been in anti-social mode for a while now. I have no idea why... well, I do, but at the same time I'm aware that I can kick myself out of this state, but for some reason I'm content as far as to say I'm functional.

So I haven't seen my friends in a while now. Like, I have my weekly catchups with some people, such as Mondays with Courtney, bingo on Wednesdays, the every-now-and-then drink on a Friday with some mates, and then Sunday lunches with Hannah. But other than scheduled times, I've not seen anyone in ages unless it's the random bump into on the street, at uni, or at work. Essentially, my social life is stuck at work and the times I have organized for during the week. There's just so much going on in my life with uni that as soon as I'm done all my work, I just want to do nothing because the time to relax is just very rare. I mean, I'm also essentially working full-time, and the only day I have off during the week after uni and work is a Sunday, and that's spent doing assignments at night.

I was meant to be dating this guy I met a wee bit ago, but that fell through due to my anti-social state and untimely sickness and sudden stressful workload. I still haven't said anything to him, and I left my corkscrew at his place so that's real annoying. I mean, I just don't have time for dating at the mo - only the occasional booty call, and even then that's not happening as much due to all the work I've got going on.

I mean, I just lost the drive to pursue anything with this guy, and I came pretty close to it. It's been happening a lot with guys I've been seeing this past year, and I couldn't really put my finger on it...

... until I found out that Jem, my ex, was leaving the country.

Suddenly, everything in my mind clicked into place. I'd never delved into a serious relationship after him. I mean, I tried, and managed to succeed for like a month and a half, before I decided to just not talk to the guy and avoid him (and it's only somewhat awkward now because I see him all the time at the bar I go to bingo for, but luckily he doesn't come and play). And then I tried a few more, but they of course just ended with me being bored and not attached and distant. I never really understood why it was always like this.

Actually, I'm not really getting my thoughts in order. I guess it's because I don't know how to organize all of this because there's so much. Maybe I'll start with the most recent events when he left.

So about a month ago I pretty much had a mental breakdown. I got real sick to the point that I couldn't physically sleep at all. Like, I tried everything I knew to sleep, but I was just so exhausted and couldn't sleep at all. It was a combination of both mental and physical stress which made my body pretty much shut down... but instead of actually passing out from being overwhelmed, my body went into overdrive (as it does) and kept me awake 24/7 and caused me to get a little sick. So I ended up calling in sick to work on the Monday (after not having slept at all since I woke up on Saturday morning for work). Problem was, me calling in sick caused me to go into a state of shock (I won't go into details as to why, seeing as this is the internet and I wouldn't be surprised if I got fired or something for negative comments about work because that's how the world works) and I had a full-on mental breakdown. Not the fun kind, but basically the one induced after you've been completely overwhelmed, haven't had any sleep, and get emotionally-abused.

I ended up passing out from exhaustion around midday, and woke up just over 2 hours later still not feeling any better. I still couldn't sleep after that, and that night had to skip out on my dinner date, and then only got managed to fall asleep at around 8am when my flatmates had to go to work, before waking up at 11am to get ready for class. That night I got probably around 4 hours of sleep, but was absolutely shattered for work the next morning (and didn't end up going out to bingo... that's how sick I was!). My body was just not impressed with me at all, and I had no clue as to why it was like this. I mean, I was having my own personal issues, because I didn't want to date this guy I was seeing, but I liked him at the same time, but nothing was making any sense. I was aware of all of this, but I didn't realize how much it was actually affecting me, coupled with my uni workload as well as my job.

That is, until the Friday when I realized that Jem was leaving the country at the end of the following week, because he'd gotten a job in Sydney where his boyfriend lives in a management position at a hotel. He'd announced it the month before, but I didn't really think much of it. Well, actually that's a lie. I was extremely proud of him, but at the same time I felt upset and I didn't know why, but just shrugged it off afterwards. So when it came to the week of his departure, just after my mental breakdown (and still mental instability), it all hit me pretty hard. I knew I had to say something, but I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know how he'd take it. Finally, on the Thursday night, I worked up the courage to talk to him. I couldn't message him on the Wednesday because he'd think that it was just me being drunk after bingo (I didn't go, but he didn't know that), and I was too insane prior to that to actually talk to anyone. So I messaged him on Facebook wishing him all the best, saying how proud I was of him, but kept it quite polite and short, not too personal but with just a hint of emotion...

What I received back was a wall of text, full of emotion and the man I used to date. He told me how excited he was about the prospect of a new job, moving to an actual city with real things, and just a whole lot of happy and exciting things. He added in an apology for being angry with me for a while, due to the fact that I'd meant so much to him back then, but now he's back to his old, happy and excited self, and that he wasn't dwelling on the past anymore. After I read that, my god I'll tell you, the biggest weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Like, there was just so much relief that I felt content.

That's when I realized that all my relationship problems and mental stress had been subtly influenced by the emotional attachment I still had for my ex-boyfriend.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I've moved on... well, have I? When I read that he was okay now, I pretty much nearly cried with happiness. My response back was pretty much full of emotional ecstasy because everything was okay, and I'd missed talking to him - a complete contrast to my first, distant-yet-polite message. I mean, I'd freaking shared my life with him. Seriously, dating someone for essentially a year and a half (it was officially a year, but the half-year after that of 'rebound'-ness has to be included) is like doubled in comparison to hetero-relations, because let's face it, gay relationships don't seem to last that long and are a very rare sight.

I'd pretty much had all this emotive destruction built up inside of me, which had caused me to not be able to get close to anyone else. My fear of getting into a relationship with another person was due to several factors. The first being that no one would compare to Jem. I mean, sure it takes ages to fully get to know someone, but because of all the experiences that we'd shared together, I'd always compare the whole timeline of my relationship with Jem with the other guy, and of course the former would always win. Secondly, I didn't want to get close because I didn't want to get emotionally hurt again, and go through what I had in the past, but also because I didn't want to hurt the other person (which I'd inevitably do because I'd just ignore them until they went away). Thirdly, because I didn't want to get attached to someone unless I knew it would be for real, and that the relationship would last. Lastly, because if I dated a guy, they had to have future aspirations, know what they wanted, but at the same time I could have my own freedom. All these requirements and factors pretty much caused me to experiment, but end up growing bored. It's really, really complicated for some reason...

I mean, they have to have future aspirations which click with me, they have to have a good personality, they don't have to necessarily be good-looking, but I can't be embarrassed to be seen with them, and they have to keep my attention. But at the same time, I want to be able to have my freedom to do whatever I want, and a relationship kind of entails a restriction. I mean, I'd definitely be strictly devoted to that one person if anything happened, but because of my past experiences with Jem, the thought scares me now of becoming an old married couple when I'm still very young. People say you can make a relationship what you want it to be, but I want it to be an adult relationship at the same time as a youthful one with the freedom of independence. And because of that, I'm failing at relationships right now.

For me, life with Jem was perfect... we had everything, but for some reason it all just fell apart. It broke apart because of many small factors, and it wasn't just from one side - it was a combination of all our faults. Looking back on the past, I was an idiot to not try and reconcile our relationship, only because I was scared of what people would think of me. I've grown up from my selfish, self-centered social mentality. I only stopped seeing him after we'd broken up because I was scared over what people would say and think of me getting back together with my ex-boyfriend...

I've always thought that we'd get back together again in the future if we were both single, because we'd have grown up even more and experienced a lot of things in our life apart from each other, that a spark would come back and we'd be together again... I mean, I still love him, but only as a friend now. Ifs and dreams of the future in a fantastical sort of way are completely different to current emotions. But I could just as easily get back into a life with him, and things would be a lot different because we've grown up even more...

But all these thoughts, post-breakdown, have made me realize that I don't want a relationship out of anyone anymore. Not for now, anyway. Well, there's one guy I'd be quite happy to be lovey-dovey with, but that's another story and it is very, very unlikely to happen, hence why it is more a dream than reality. I want my own freedom. I want to be able to do my own thing. After me and Jem broke up, I got to explore who I was without anyone else there, and I held no feelings for him that time period afterwards, but I think now I'm having the whole post-breakup emotional breakdown, and it's only been what... over a year and a half since our official break up? I was a mess for a week, and maybe a few after that, but otherwise I was perfectly okay, and yet now I'm suddenly like this...

I need my freedom. I need my space. I need things to be on my own terms. I guess I just need to be able to have control over my life, my choices, and my emotions. I'm still young, and I still have a lot to experience. For Jem to have moved overseas was a dream come true for him. I'm absolutely proud of what he's accomplished, and I could never be happier for him. I might only be slightly crying as I write this, but he's the man who has made me who I am now - the experiences I shared with him made me better as a person, as I've learned from all these experiences, and I've still yet much more to learn and understand.

His departure was a wake up call for me, and once I've finished university, I'm going to shape up my life. I want to travel, I want to enjoy my life, and I want to be happy. I plan on finding a new job in order to broaden my experiences, and I plan on living life to the full. The funny thing is, you wouldn't have heard that from my mouth several years ago.

So... here's to you, Jem. Whilst you may have unintentionally caused me a mental breakdown (I hate you so much), you have changed my perspective on life so much. The experiences we shared I will never, ever forget. You are one of the happiest, kindest, funniest, most beautiful people I know. Actually, you probably are the only one I know who fits all those categories. You are on your journey to a brighter future with massive opportunities ahead of you, and nothing will stop you, nor get in your way of world domination. Your smile lights up a room, and so does your hair (I know you hate it, but I will always throw in a joke at your expense). Please, don't dye it. It is an amazing colour and you should be proud of it. You have a strong will and a solid determination. You are the epitome of a handsome man.

I will always love you. You're gonna go far, kiddo.

God. Why do I always start my birthday with tears?

~ Jonny

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