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JGJTan Icon : (05 July 2018 - 10:07 AM) So this has been a while! It's @jgjtan and @leftyy here having a nostalgia trip. We hope you all have been having a great time so far! Miss you, be back in another 5-10 years. (Or find me on social media -- it's not that hard.)
MoldyRaven Icon : (07 November 2017 - 10:03 AM) Back again after 14 years! Good to see this still up.
X Zolon Icon : (22 October 2017 - 04:54 PM) Polo.
MA-53 Icon : (13 October 2017 - 09:42 PM) Marco
ticktockclok Icon : (08 October 2017 - 11:26 PM) Just thought of this place, and figured I would try to log in. I last posted 10 years ago. Hello to anyone out there - especially those from way back!
Res Icon : (06 October 2017 - 03:11 AM) As well as things can be, good to hear from you all :D!!! Much love all around.
X Zolon Icon : (05 October 2017 - 05:02 AM) Strange. I was thinking about it around the same time. Just didn't come back until now. Hope everyone is well.
Glammeress Icon : (16 July 2017 - 12:48 AM) Just thinking about this place, like out of nowhere. Hope everyone is well.
Rylkan Icon : (09 July 2017 - 04:07 PM) Not bad. Just finishing up grad school. Which means I am looking for distractions from writing. :p
Phieta Icon : (09 July 2017 - 05:06 AM) Still flying, so to speak. How goes with you?
Rylkan Icon : (09 July 2017 - 02:42 AM) I am even more amazed someone replied to this in less than a few month timescale. Hi! How goes?
Phieta Icon : (08 July 2017 - 09:43 PM) He does log into GW every month or so to retain leadership, so that's something
Phieta Icon : (08 July 2017 - 09:42 PM) There are several of us! Several!
Rylkan Icon : (08 July 2017 - 06:33 PM) I was actually hoping to get in touch with Cspace since its been forever. But it looks like our old leader is lost to the void.
Rylkan Icon : (08 July 2017 - 06:29 PM) In a moment of pure nostalgia, I remembered this site. Seeing any shouts from this year is insane.
asyluman Icon : (17 January 2017 - 02:45 AM) i only JUST started playing FFVIII
asyluman Icon : (17 January 2017 - 02:45 AM) woah are people still here
Phieta Icon : (13 January 2017 - 09:05 AM) Apparently I joined SeeD 14 years ago today.
Dragonman Icon : (10 September 2016 - 02:29 AM) Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven
x.. Icon : (13 July 2016 - 01:14 AM) idk. both of those are complicated questions.
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I Got A Feeling

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 19 October 2007 - 10:36 AM

So today was a really nice day. Well, semi-nice. There were lows but everything became good shortly after. Like for instance, Mr. Hall (clarinet/saxophone teacher) was away today and I really wanted a lesson because I didn't want to go to Maths so I asked Mr. Botting if I could hang around and watch the Year 11 Music performances (since Regan wanted me there) and he let me so that was awesome. :)

I really liked Alex's group performance despite the fact it was screamo. It was actually a good screamo song and they'd composed it themselves which was even awesomer. Really, it sounded good as! And it was kinda funny because after the performance, I double high-fived Alex and then just chatted and stuff and he said he had a majorly bad headache because of the performance and I was like "OMG!!" because it just so happened that I'd stocked up my panadol supply in my bag and I gave him some!! I felt so awesome, yet it was kinda weird for others since I had panadol in my bag. :P

And it's kinda funny, because I don't just hang out with Year 12s, as in people of my age. I'm friends with a number of Year 13s and quite a lot of Year 12s so I hang out with everyone when I can. It's why I kinda like the Music department at school, (mostly) everyone's really nice and easy to get along with so if I ever feel like a change, I can just hang out with some of them. But it doesn't help that it looks like everyone's older than me since I'm so tiny. I constantly have to remind newcomers (if they haven't seen me or know me already) that I am in fact 17 which is kinda amusing but also frustrating at the same time. And it was hilarious in Physics today. At the end of class, people were measuring how tall they were by the rulers taped to the doorframe. So I just was like "OMG MEASURE ME!!" since I'm like a foot shorter than heaps of people in class...

I still haven't grown for a few years. I'm still 159cm. :cry:

Next week's going to be so awesome!! We got a day off on Monday since it's Labour Day, Wednesday is a half day due to the PPTA Union meeting in the afternoon (teachers striking because their contracts have expired for decent wages and now they've gone back to being crappy) and then on Friday it's mufti day. Yay I'm so excited! :)

But I really REALLY want to hang out with mates now. I'm still not used to not having everyone around at night or doing stuff all the time and it's driving me insane. I want to go out walking or just relaxing with mates late at night yet I don't think many would even like the idea, since it wouldn't involve alcohol or parties. I just feel like relaxing and conversation without anything else. I miss everyone. I miss Jackson's hair-flicking, Cam's constant guns jokes, Edward's... just him? Matty's raging hormones... Sean, Cory, Macky... everyone really. I miss being able to be with everyone for days even though I know I'd be sick of it after a while. I at least talk to Hayden frequently and Sean seems to be hanging out with Conor and Solomon now so I always see him around, but it's still lacking in people. :(

That's why I like to rush out of English as fast as I can now, because the Year 11 Spanish class is on when I have English so if I'm quick enough, I can catch everyone leaving. I enjoy saying hi to everyone, shaking hands, dishing out high-fives and giving people hugs. It's nice. :)

~ Jonny

Mr. Matthews: *after Mark's speech* That was very good, however there's one thing I must point out. Devolver means to vomit, alongside to return an object. So it made for an interesting sentence. So you enjoyed the restaurant a lot... and wanted to vomit.

Filed in Friends, Myself, Post-Travel, Spring 2007

Walking Off A Cliff Again

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 18 October 2007 - 09:57 AM

I am sooo psychic. I had my crash today and I was ready for it to happen anytime so it wasn't as bad, pulled through most of it in the end. :P

But really, I had an interesting conversation with Blair today. He wasn't very happy today because of some personal issues so I tried to cheer him up and just talked to him. And that made me think of a few interesting things (yes, I know I repeated the word interesting but I'm way too lazy at the moment to think of another word).

Me and Blair were discussing whether it was all right to be unhappy around your mates. I know I do it a hell of a lot of times but I try not to and I balance it out by being all excited and cheerful. I'll try to be anyway if I ain't feeling too well, just to not let my friends worry. Blair was sitting in the corner by himself away from everyone else and listening to his iPod, so I just went over to cheer him up a little. I know he didn't want cheering up (since he said he enjoyed having depressing moments so he could be by himself - he even said he was trying to be depressed and me being there kinda killed it making it happy) but in the end I got him semi-smiling since I managed to distract him from the issues. But the question is...

1) Is it all right to be depressed among friends? I argued (well not really, more playfully, not like hard out yelling of course) that if you were depressed, one should keep up a happy face to mask one's sadness so that others don't worry. I mean, personally, I believe it's better for less people to be upset, hence the idea of "bottling it in" so that other people aren't concerned. It's better to carry the burden alone so others don't have to share it. But then of course that's hypocritical of me since I'm pretty much made of empathy. And then Blair replied by asking me who was caring about him being down? Aside from me, there was no one else taking notice. I know Carl turned to look to Blair, but then I think he knew to just leave him alone. So that brings...

2) Why don't other people care? I mean, they might acknowledge that someone's down, but does anyone help that person out? Surely people should care. Mr. Steel told me that I'm a rare kind of personality and person. I'd gotten really upset about a decision I'd made (to the extent I didn't want to eat or talk to anyone) because in a way it was selfish and it had made another person upset. I had a valid reason (him and Maurice had realized that) for my actions however I'd gotten too stressed afterwards over what I'd done which had made things worse. Therefore I got more upset over the matter (even when the "victim" came in to say everything was okay) because Sam (the freaking idiot) had made me think otherwise. So all the guilt and unhappiness just got worse and I just lay there on my bed.

And then Mr. Steel came along to have a talk to me to tell me everything was okay and that I was a very empathic person. I shared the feelings of other people around me to ease the burden, and in cases like this, I took on the burden of emotions which other people had cast aside (no one else was caring - they all told me to get over it and that I shouldn't care about the other guy's feelings) and put them on myself as penance, or to make myself to a certain extent "feel better" by having guilt and empathy for the other person. He said that it's a great characteristic to have, however the pain is great and on such young shoulders it cane be immense. Then he rambled on about growing up and experiences in life so I kinda got bored since he does that a lot.

But seriously, why don't people care? Why don't people feel a tinge of regret or a bit of sadness if they see someone upset or in an unfortunate situation and don't stop to help, but keep on going? No one seems to care at all and I can't understand why. People should feel a wave of emotion if they see someone who isn't happy. They should care a little on the inside if they see someone all alone and can't help due to social restraints. They should feel regret for a person on the streets and feel shame and sadness for that person, for lying there without anything and for being inflicted with misfortune in life. Yet people don't. Some do, but a rare few and it's shameful.

~ Jonny

Mr. Hassall: Ahh a false fire alarm. How pointless to have wasted time going outside for nothing. But of course it's all in your best interest to be safe and standing outside in the light rain is better than a fire.
Jordan: I didn't see you outside sir, did you come out of the class?
Mr. Hassall: Of course not. I stayed for as long as possible to keep an eye on all your bags so that no thieves would come steal your belongings. And it's raining outside.

Filed in Friends, Musings, Myself, Spring 2007, Venting

So Long, So Long

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 19 September 2007 - 11:46 AM

I'll miss everyone!! And I'll miss blogging!! Tonight's the last night of sleep before Argentina and I'm excited as!! :)

Packing. GAH. I can barely fit everything into my bag and I had to take out heaps of stuff just to fit what I currently have in there at the moment. It's so lame... I'm going to hate wearing the same set of clothes all the time. I'm so glad I'll be able to buy heaps over there though... but now I wish I had heaps more money so I could spend more in Argentina! :(

Oh and I can tell where I get my paranoia and precautious nature from. My friends always think it's funny how I carry around strange objects and tools like screwdrivers, craft knives, needles and thread and sellotape in my bag. Oh, and a stapler. They always reside in my pencil case and seem to serve no purpose, although every now and then they're needed and I happen to have them. Although it was annoying today because Carl ripped his pants while practicing the rendition of Battleheart and I had no way to mend it.

a) My needle and thread was in my other bag
b) I'd run out of staples
c) When Carl tried using my sellotape... it turns out there was like 1cm of it left.

But I've had plenty of times where my tools have been needed. Many teachers have asked for a craft knife or screwdrivers and I'm immediately there, or maybe someone needs something mended like sandals, so I'll be there with my sellotape. Seriously. But trips are worse. I think of all the most trivial things to take, such as a light, a compass and all these random bottles of medicinal liquid. People always take the basics but I'm always one tier up and take extra...

And it's all because of my mum. She taught me from young to be very careful and to realize that anything can happen. So while packing, she decided that I needed extra disposable wipes, antiseptic cream, lip balm, an extra bottle of sunscreen, back up soap and shampoo, aloe vera for sunburn and a brand new mini sewing kit. Oh and a swiss army knife kinda thing which is pretty cool. But seriously, precautious, anyone? Yet I was one step ahead and had half of those things already, yet I still have to take them "just in case anything happens". I have doubles of heaps of things scattered all over the place just in case something gets lost and it's insane. :eek:

I hate being paranoid. :sure:

Oh yeah two awesome things happened at school today. First was during Physics. We had soccer prizegiving last night but I was too lazy to go and so were some others, despite recieving awards and stuff. So when I got to school, I found out that out of our whole team of like 14 or so, 2 people turned up: Lillis and Mitch. So when our team was called up to recieve our certificates, they went up feeling bad and Mitch was nervous, because he couldn't see Hardaker but then spotted him at the back. And Hardaker's jaw dropped and was shocked and he had to give a quick speech about the team. Wow. So when we got to Physics, he was immediately like "Thank you for coming last night, Jonathan. David. Cameron." and we tried not to laugh since he was having a good laugh over it. Next year our goal is for no one to turn up. :P

Second was during Music. I got Mr. Botting to mark my test since I wouldn't be there tomorrow so he started the NCEA paper and got really tired after a while. I was worried because according to him, Auryn only got 5 Achieveds and you needed at least 7 to pass. So he started marking... and I didn't even get the first question right, apparently I half-answered it since I needed to write down what was in the bass as well, but I know for next time. Some I amazingly enough got right and I ended up getting like 10 marks, 8 Achieveds and 2 Merits which is pretty crap in my opinion but I managed to pass!! Two Merits off a Merit mark though which stinks. :(

And then he went onto the bursary paper and just gave up because the marking sheet was missing and he was getting a headache from thinking. So we hunted down the marking sheet and ended up finding his son's paper from like 2001 so we used that as a marking schedule since he got 18/20 and had the corrections in it as well. I ended up getting 17/20 and I was annoyed because I didn't beat his son (like, best bassist for his age group in New Zealand - plays for heaps of jazz bands and was even invited to play with the Roger Fox Big Band) but Mr. Botting was amazed I passed both papers pretty decently. So he marked that as a Merit/Excellence since it's borderline Excellence or right on it, since he was having trouble converting to NCEA. So he gave me a Merit overall for the two papers and I'm stoked as!! It was hell as hard. :sweat:

Ahh and I'm still trying to decide whether or not to take my iPod along. I'll be kept entertained but like I know I'm going to lose it or get it stolen, serious. I'm pretty much the embodiment of the word clutz. :P

I CAN'T WAIT. But I'm so freaking scared. I can see why Adrian's "sh--ing [his] pants" as he said, since he's scared of theft and whatnot. Oh and BILL. Omfg. I'm so annoyed. Bill still doesn't know some of his bits for our band and we're leaving tomorrow!! He better have it all sussed, otherwise we're going to scream and die and colllapse and yeah.

Oh and yes I'm taking a paper bag, thank you Conor for thinking about it. It should remedy any hyperventilation I experience during the flight. :P

I'll miss everyone!! I've still got my phone with me so you can text me if you like since I'm on a roaming thing, but not too often because it charges me as well as mum's credit card! I'll be getting a local sim card over there (hopefully anyway) so I'll use that to text y'all! MISS YOU HEAPS!! :cry:

~ Jonny

Mr. Hardaker: I felt like a right old dick standing up there with two other people representing the team, and I had to talk about how committed you guys were to the team.

Filed in Argentina, Myself, School, Spring 2007

We Are The Music Makers

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 15 September 2007 - 08:56 AM

One thing I really love about music is when you play it, you get such a nice feeling inside. It's always something along the lines of "I'm making such a beautiful sound and I like it" and you can't help but smile and really enjoy the feeling. :)

So today we had our annual Hamilton Community Centre of Music concert and umm... it was interesting. Let's just say I wish we had Neil Bruce back. Chris Hendy's really nice but this year was just a mess and everything was disorganized. It didn't help that Chris forgot his glasses and was the master of ceremonies for the whole night, so he was squinting to read what was going on and he kept calling out the wrong people up on stage and the programme just got muddled up. And he'd give a history lesson on either the instruments or the music being played and he managed to make up a completely wrong story about Danny's background. I knew most of Danny's background from when he told me and mum ages ago and I just raised an eyebrow and then turned to Danny...

Danny's face was great. He was biting his lip and was trying not to say anything. Apparently Danny's new birthplace is Vienna and he's a refugee who's been here for a decade now. I tried not to laugh. :D

Keyboard was uhh... well we were performing two songs, Sad Songs (Say So Much) by Elton John and Trish Trash Polka by some other person. Let's just say, me and Daksna's rendition of Elton John's song was... very sad. We kept making mistakes and at one point both of us didn't play for a bar because we didn't know it. Oh and my keyboard's rhythm (we were both plugged into the amplifier so everyone could hear us) went haywire and got out of time so I had to stop it and just play with the right hand only for the whole time. :sweat:

And GRR. One of the reasons why I dropped some instruments (aside from not much practice and pretty much sucking at the drums) was so that I didn't have to be in so many performances during the night. Like last year, I was only planning to be with the wind band on drums, keyboard for the jazz band and the keyboard section... I ended up drumming for the intermediate band and playing the marimbas as well, all because they knew I could play instruments and I was decent at most (apart from drums, seriously, I can only read sheet music so improvising is out of the question). And I wasn't even meant to be playing the drums for the wind band, I was meant to be playing the flute! But Danny decided to shove me on drums because he knew I could play them adequately (as in, keep time) and then Andrew grabbed me for the keyboard for jazz band since he knew I played for school. :sure:

The previous year before that, I was playing with the flutes, clarinets, keyboards, percussion section and violin section. That was a little too much... although lots of people afterwards were amazed at how many performances I was in. That's kinda why I cut it down to keyboard and clarinet...

But no! This morning during the rehersal, I was playing the keyboard and clarinet and was planning to leave during the intermission for once, since the groups I was in were at the very start. Yippee!! But then Danny spots me and pushes me to help out with the intermediate band on my clarinet (he failed to recruit me for drums this year, I insisted on playing the clarinet) and then Michelle knew about my musical experience and told me to join in with the orchestra. Great. Sight reading. It's a good thing I can actually sight read yet the orchestra pieces were a shocker for sight reading. But in the end it was okay. Although I hid from Danny even more that night because he was looking for me to play with the clarinet section and the jazz band. :icky:

And then my Theory of Music teacher spotted me and decided to recruit me for the Waikato Youth Symphonic Band. GREAT. I tried to decline but she insisted, since she knew I could play music pretty decently and she said that I was being invited to the best band in New Zealand, like actually the best. At nationals, they took out first place by miles and the judges said that if they could have gotten it, their second best song would have recieved second place and their third best song would have recieved third. I'm still hesitant...

Because this is my fourth invitation to an orchestra/band. The first time was several years ago with the Waikato Youth Symphony Orchestra. They wanted me on the violin but I declined saying I was already busy with heaps of other things (languages and other musical instruments) but persisted and asked me the year after that, but again I declined. Then a friend of mine tried to recruit me on the clarinet for some other random Waikato Youth group so I went one day but the music was REALLY boring (I mean classical is great but this was crap classical) so I didn't show up ever again. And now I'm wanted for the Symphonic Band... I might try it out, but it's on Fridays which means I'll have to give up tennis. :(

Oh and I desperately want to say something but I can't, because it's embarrassing and silly. :P

Man I can't wait to sleep tonight!! I'm looking forward to it so much. I was dead tired after practice this morning since I didn't get back 'til about 1.30pm and I didn't rest but I lay down for about 20mins before having to go to music at 4pm. And I slept in this morning and nearly couldn't get out of bed. My bed looks SO comfy now...

And where's that darn Jake? I haven't seen him online for a few days now and it's getting frustrating. :sure:

~ Jonny

Whaea TeRees: Wow Jonah, that's a beatiful pendant you're wearing. Good greenstone pendants are so rare and hard to find but you have a magnificent one right there. Where did you get it? Is it a family heirloom?
Jonah: It's made of plastic miss, I got it at the $2 shop.

Filed in Music, Myself, Spring 2007


Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 10 September 2007 - 07:30 AM

I was actually going to blog about something but then I remembered so many people know about this blog so I'll keep it a secret. :P

But one terrible habit I have is I'm a shocking stalker. I'm just staring at our exam timetable and my mind usually always just wanders as it does, and then I randomly thought about a friend. And then I realized I ain't too sure of what exams he still has to take and I want to talk to him, so I've managed to deduce a number of times and I'll go from there. I'm pretty sure he has one in the afternoon tomorrow. Yes, I am a terrible stalker, just like how I searched bebo for 2 hours with my keyword being "Morrinsville" until I found Nathan's page, and how I randomly remember bits of information about people when they tell me things off-handedly and store it away. I begin to stalk people when I get bored. :P

Anyway, enough about that (for now)! Classics was the BEST today! I was going hard out before school since I was still shakey on Alexander so I went in with everyone else and we all just sat down, then people started trying to peer at the test paper without the teacher seeing. Callum then was like to me "Jonny, an Alexander topic is about the Macedonians." Crap. Worst topic EVER, I know squat about the Macedonians. Then people started whispering saying the Pont du Gard was in it and I was just inwardly celebrating, then Narayan whispered to me that Trajan's Column was in it. Awesome. But there were two more Alexander topics which were yet to be found out, screw the other image for Art and Architecture.

So I was actually praying for Alexander and Religion, like, literally praying and people kept looking at me. Carl told me that was the one no one wanted so I just poked my tongue out at him. Ross was just cracking up at me wishing for religion. Callum then was like "yuss, there's one on his military!" and I was like thinking holy crap I'm only average at that. So I was praying for Religion or the Greeks since I surprisingly enough knew about that... then...

"There's a question on his religion!"

I just actually screamed out a big "YES!!" in joy and people cracked up, then laughed at Grant's comment. I was so stoked so once the exam started, I went straight for Aristophanes. The questions were pretty good for Aristophanes and I managed to answer everything and that took up two pages and roughly 40mins. So then I moved on to Art and Architecture and whizzed through that, completing two pages answering the questions on the Pont du Gard and Trajan's Column. Originally, like many people, I looked to do the Theatre at Leptis Magna but then immediately switched to Trajan's Column because the questions for the Theatre were just hard out. So that all got done in 20mins so I basically had 2 hours to do Alexander which was awesome. Mr. Hassall told us ages ago that we should try complete Aristophanes and Art and Architecture as soon as possible, but accurately, so we have plenty of time for Alexander. :D

I can see why he said that. I wrote up a plan to structure my essay on Alexander's attitude to religion and his own divinity and that took 20mins to craft and filled up a page. I then required more paper so I asked Mr. Johnson for another piece of paper and Narayan started to quietly complain to me and Ross gave me the evils, since he was just lying down having a nap. What's-his-face (crap, I don't usually forget names) on the other side of Narayan was just smiling at me and then I started to write my essay... basically everyone 10mins I was asking for another piece of paper and people started getting annoyed at my consumption since hardly anyone else was asking for paper, apart from people like Ethan, Carl, Callum and stuff. :P

So when Mr. Hassall came in at 11am to swap with Mr. Johnson, I was going hard out with my essay and he sat down and started reading something. My hand then shot up but Mr. Hassall didn't notice. So I started getting nervous because other people (who had finished) were just silently trying not to laugh and Kyle just told me to call out so I was like "Umm sir, can I have some more paper?" and he was like "Oh certainly Jonathan!" and gave me 3 more pieces, but I only used up 2 more. I finished with 20mins to go and just looked around and there were only a few other people writing... I ended up writing 4 and a half pages on Alexander's attitude to religion and his divinity when quite a number of people had only written something like 2 pages, 9 in total. Daniel beat me though, he wrote some insane number of pages. :(

My god I'm so annoyed though, I really swear I'm going to actually fail this Maths test tomorrow. There's SO much to cover and I'm having a hard time studying, because I keep getting sidetracked. I've covered 8 topics of the Pure Maths... out of like a million. Maths is so lame. :(


ARGENTINA NEXT WEEK!! I am SO EXCITED!! I'll be able to forget about stuff like Maths and Physics and tests and just relax, chill, and shop in Argentina!! :D

Omg I just had dinner and forgot to post my blog, but... EWW EWW I ate a bit of squid!! The veges were wrapped around it and you can't really tell what you pick up half the time with chopsticks so I just picked up the mass of veges thinking I'd gotten rid of all the squid mum put in and EWW it was DISGUSTING. I just sat there for about 10 seconds trying not to take another bite and just swallowing everything whole. Eugh. The only seafood I can enjoy is fish. :sure:

~ Jonny

*after having finished my essay, William and Jordan can't stop laughing and snickering behind me*
Me: How come you guys keep laughing?
William: Been through enough paper yet, Jonny? We were waiting for you to ask for another page.

Filed in Exams, Myself, Spring 2007

The Approaching Curve

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 28 August 2007 - 10:01 AM

I'm failing. I don't know what went wrong this year but I'm failing miserably. If I don't do something about it, I'll fall off the edge. Although it goes for what I believe in... "If you do something, do it well" - I am, I'm failing brilliantly.

When I got home from Control (brilliant film by the way) today, I told mum about my Physics internal I failed. Mr. Hardaker had written up a letter to the parents of those who had failed the internal and most of the letter didn't apply to me, since I attended the tutorials and I only failed by a mark, but it's still a fail. So mum got really pissed off since her previous son at Boys' High never failed anything and she just ignores my oldest brother since he's the failure in her eyes, and she just raged it. I don't see why she can't appreciate who I am and that I'm not perfect, I'm not like Nick.

My weaknesses are Maths and Physics, while Nick got scholarships in both those subjects while he was at Boys' High. My strengths are more towards the arts and English to an extent, while Nick barely passed English and had to undergo private tuition just to pass, but of course my mother ignores those facts and pays attention to how brilliant he is. I can't help it if it takes me ages to understand ideas in Physics and apply them to questions. I mean, I understand the theory behind everything but I can never apply the theory to the questions because I always get confused, hence the near-Excellence in the theory and near-Achieved in the calculations. And Maths is even worse. Physics relies on Maths and I can barely understand Maths. Some things I can understand but most is just too hard, too difficult. Things just don't light up in my brain as quick as the rest of the class and by the time I understand something, the class has moved on.

But English. I love writing, I love reading, I love understanding. Most literature is an insight to what people might think of a concept or what they're feeling at that precise moment, and it can be shown through their writing or dialogue and I love it. I love to create stories because it can reflect on my mood or ideas I like or things I wish I could have. It's... creative, just like Music. Music can be played and interpreted differently depending on the musical background you were brought up in, what influenced you and what you're feeling at the time. I love to think about ideas, not write about solving problems, that's why I enjoy the arts more than science or maths.

But my mother doesn't like that idea, she can't seem to grasp the idea that I'm different to whom she'd like me to be. I never wanted to do Physics, I never wanted to even take a Science subject. I'll take Maths because it's useful to know but that'll be it. She told me to keep my subjects broad, which is a good idea, but I know what I want to do and I don't plan on changing, therefore I don't need to keep it as broad. But she doesn't like that idea. Last year she consulted a friend as to whether or not I should drop Science... a friend who is a SCIENCE teacher. Jesus... sometimes I can't stand it.

So here I am now, pissed off and questioning everything, even why I'm writing this blog entry. My day was going perfectly until I told mum I failed a paper. Now I can't think, can't study, because of all the crap she said to me. I want to be able to have a life and I'll study as well. Yet she tells me to focus more on my studies and to sacrifice my life because "we all have to make sacrifices." Fat lot of help that did for Nick, he studied 24/7 and his social life was hampered because of that. Sure he has friends and socializes, yet it isn't enough. He's... more introverted. Of course, what I'm saying is basically influenced by my personality and beliefs, but it's still not right.

So I have a balance. I do well enough in school and I maintain a good social life and try my best in what I do. I sacrifice a lot of my social life by combining it with school, sports and recreational activities so I hardly do anything extra. Recently I've been doing extra however now I'm balancing that with study.

I'm everything I could wish I was. My grades are better than average, I'm social, out-going and well-known, I'm physically fit, decent at sports and musically-capable. I'm cultured, well-educated and kind. Yet I don't have it all... I constantly suffer and it's a strain to keep up everything. Sometimes I question whether everything is worth the effort. All of what I do is for other people and I benefit from it, whether it be emotionally or something tangible. I'll keep the atmosphere happy and cheerful or I'll lift the spirits of others, even if I'm being hypocritical because someone has to do it. Yet I wish I could just stop for once, but it's nearly impossible. If I ain't my usual self, people begin to worry and it goes against my nature to have people concerned about me or upset. So I'll keep up the happy face and every now and then it'll crumble, but I'll patch it up as best as I can.

Questions. I question it all, everything I do, everything I live for, everything I believe in. One day I'll tell my story, tell the world everything I can. But for now I must keep quiet. It would break my heart to ruin everything around me, a selfish, miserable act, but sometimes it's difficult to control. Control. I require control, yet sometimes I lose grip and if I can't recover, it'll be too late...

~ Jonny

Mr. Hardaker: I bet you all $1000 that the current flowing through this goes through ABCD.
*checks the answers*
Mr. Hardaker: DCBA... hang on. No, that can't be right. Wait... let me just get a consult.
*calls Mr. Gunn (dux of his school back in the days which wasn't that long ago) out of his class for a consult*
Mr. Gunn: *after a while of looking at the question and working out* DCBA.
Mr. Hardaker: ... right. Thank you Mr. Gunn... err, moving along...

Filed in Family, Myself, School, Venting, Winter 2007

Sooner or Later

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 12 August 2007 - 10:15 AM

People will know me, the real me. I don't know when, but it'll happen, I'll make sure of it. A few things have gotten me thinking and it's nice to think sometimes, it's a calming activity and it's good chance to relax when you're tired or bored. But I've been thinking about myself recently and it's been bugging me.

I'm too self-conscious. I care too deeply what people think about me. If someone makes a small comment or just a general observation, I'll mould myself to change away from it if it's negative or try be like it more often if it's a good comment. And if it cuts deep I'll shirk away, as my cousin described it, like a snail. If poked, I'll withdraw further into my shell. I just have to be given space so I can move forward slowly without interruption, otherwise I'll get nowhere.

One of the comments (I'll remember them all eventually, they just won't be in chronological order) was one by Sam yesterday during the soccer match. He said a few things which got me really thinking, and I told a lie to him which cut me deep on the inside and I'm ashamed to say. What he said wasn't bad or hurtful, actually, it was the exact opposite and it made me feel real happy. But as a snail would, I withdrew into my shell so it sort of had a negative impact as well, unintentionally of course. It was really nice of him to say it though, since it got me to see just how different I am now and who I really am, yet the world won't know the truth until acknowledged by my own mouth and words. There's a time and place for everything, no matter how long it might take.

And by saying that bit up there, it's backed up my thoughts on myself. I'm ready, yet I still have to break down the barriers preventing me from telling the truth. I keep laying down trails and signs for people to deduce, so I don't actually have to say it myself, yet that shows I'm still behind the wall, protecting myself. People might say it every now and then however it's always the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong way. I'll only say it if someone says it if it feels like the right time and it's said in the right way, not in some instances where it sounds forced, sounds accusing, sounds demanding. There's a time and place for everything...

Anyway, moving away from that little digression. I can see myself a little more clearly now. I'm more open, more myself, yet not fully there. One way to tell is that, despite having friends who read this blog, I'll still say whatever I want to no matter how much I try to hide. Blogs are nice like this, you can voice your thoughts whereas in most situations you can't really say anything. You can, but you don't want to because it doesn't feel right. But with a blog, it's like indirectly talking to someone so you can basically say whatever you like and it's not like you're actually talking to someone so you're more open and yourself. And I use this as a timeline, to observe my progression through life and these obstacles in front of me. But still, I put some limits as to what I say and if I do say something, it'll be cryptic.

I've forgotten what I was originally going to say, truth be told. This entry is an example of how my mind wanders, nonsensical and deep in thought. I could continue to carry on with these thoughts however no one would want to read pages and pages of how I think on one little topic.

Sam's comment was one of the nicest things I've heard from him, ever. And if you're somehow reading this Sam, please keep it to yourself, you'll understand. "You didn't deny it", that's what you said. You said this to me as I was following Nathan. Just watching the soccer game, that was my excuse, no matter how obvious the truth was. Then Nathan turned around to look at me and just gave me a smile, then kept on running. And you just looked at me afterwards with that blank stare on your face, you knew the truth. The truth I want to be able to say, yet am too ashamed to even mention.

So for anyone in real life that I know who happens to be reading this blog, maybe you'll know. Everyone knows. Just say to me "I know the truth and it's okay" and I'll be happy, elated to know someone out there whom I actually know reads this blog. One day I'll tell my story, or I'll take it to the grave. It'll be now or never...

~ Jonny

Aaron (guy from production): You're not like them at all. You don't sit in front of the computer for hours just playing games or doing whatever.

Filed in Myself, Venting, Winter 2007

To Them These Streets Belong

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 01 August 2007 - 11:53 AM

I just realized something today as I was biking home: Society sucks. You get shunned from society if you're part of the minority which is terrible. You need to do something to stand out of the crowd, do something to get noticed, otherwise you're just nothing and you'll stay that way, away from the group which is everyone else.

Strangely enough I'm part of both groups. It's weird how so many people in the school know my name, or at least recognize me and know who I am. I counted that while I went from English to the bike shed and out of the school grounds that I got a "Hey Jonny!!" or "JONNY!" or some random greeting a total of 14 times from random people from random age groups. It's nice for people to know you however sometimes it can be painful...

And the minority. One thing about me is that I'll try do things to get myself recognized. I don't want to be someone people will forget over time, I want to do something to make an impression. Although it might sound attention-seeking or just self-centered, I want to me remembered as someone. I've known too many people who fade into the background and it's depressing, I never want to be someone like that. However sometimes people remember me for the more embarrassing things rather than the ones I'd like to be remembered for. I remember once a substitute teacher immediately said "I have a feeling I'm going to remember your name for a long time" when he first taught me which made me feel quite nice. Apparently there's something about me which people seem drawn to in terms of liking, or so I've noticed. Most of the time I just want to be myself, to be in the background but noticed and remembered, however people will constantly push me to the front which can be... how should I say this, irritating? I just want to be me but sometimes it's really hard to say anything at all... *sigh*

Society. It shuns the minority and I hate it for that. I always have to be careful of what I do otherwise I'll stand out too much, yet I want to do some things however those actions will pin me right up there. I just want to be honest with the world...

Anyway, let's look at the happy things!! Me and Adrian were sorting out band stuff today. Ended up looking for guitar tabs for "Discovering the Waterfront" and "The Ides of March" by Silverstein, "Ready to Fall" and "Give it All" by Rise Against and "Devotion and Desire" and "Blame it on Bad Luck" by Bayside!! Umm... what else... we're playing Melville for soccer this Saturday, STINK. I wanna play Morrinsville already! :sure:

Oh yeah. I'll just copy paste from MSN since I can't be bothered typing it out: "Well today during interval I was sitting on the desk and Blair had tied his sweater (as in Carl's sweater) around Carl's neck. Carl came up to me with the sweater tied around his neck and immediately lifted it and gave me a hug and tried to trap me inside the sweater while it was still around his neck. IT SMELLED SO GOOD. I was so happy after that." :D


Anyway, mum wants me to go to bed now so night night. :P

~ Jonny


Filed in Life, Myself, Venting, Winter 2007

My Blue Heaven

Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 25 July 2007 - 11:20 AM

So I've had a TERRIBLE day today. I thought things were going nicely and it seemed like it was... I should have noticed something odd during lunch! Everything seemed... not right. It was gonna be a great day... but then... while play-fighting with Carl I hit his eye. I went MENTAL and I think I got a bit too over-worried as he put it, although it was really scary! So things started to go downhill from there. :(

The physics tutorial I went to today (had to start work later) was meant to be about an exam we won't be studying for in class... but it turned out to be revision on a topic we all knew so everyone was just basically sleeping for the whole period. Me and Sean Jones ended up talking for a while so that was quite a nice change, haven't really talked to him much and I thought I'd do a nice thing and talk to him since he likes the corner and being all alone which is quite silly. I've been doing a bit of comforting recently anyway, Blair was going all emo on me today and not even Carl could cheer him up as much so Carl just went off after a bit so I stuck around and eventually got Blair a bit more brighter by just talking to him and cracking several lame (and dirty) jokes. :P

The Orbiter (bus I catch) was half an hour late! That got me real mad since it was freakin' freezing outside so I just sat talking to Sean again since it turns out he was gonna catch the bus too but ended up catching the City one since the Orbiter was late. But I did meet Harriet on the bus again which was amazing so I guess that was a good thing among all the bad. We had a nice random conversation about people and stuff which was pretty cool. Got home and just sat around thinking about homework...

Then I realized that Kym was supervising in my stead until I got to work so I majorly rushed to work and got there at like 6.40pm. I knew I was in trouble when I thought about Kym's supervising talent... and sure enough, there were trolleys all over the carpark, an operator was missing-in-action and there was a pile of returns at the customer service desk. I had to quickly clean up the mess and I found the missing operator (Shawn had taken Emma to do some grocery work which I got annoyed at). I ended up having a little fight with Shawn since I wasn't in a good mood and neither was he since tomorrow we got the chief inspector coming in to look at the store. Got REALLY annoyed when he said he found it irritating for me to have 2 checkout operators doing nothing and I told him that I had other people doing jobs and they were keeping an eye out for customers since I don't want to have to make customers wait all the time for me to call them back to the checkouts. It's all about customer service and if we look bad and don't do our job, we get in trouble. :sure:

But it turns out that Shawn was just grumpy because Kym was supervising before (aside from the inspector tomorrow) so after about half an hour he was all good so that wasn't too bad. :)

But the reason for the title today... I got asked a really interesting question by Carl and I thought it was worth blogging about.

"Of these two choices, which would you pick? For you to be happy yet everyone else around you sad, or for everyone around you to be happy yet you're sad?"

I chose the latter without question. Although I found it quite interesting because another of my friends replied with a "what the hell Jonny? I'd rather be happy" and it just lit up a thought inside my head. In a way, it depends on a person's outlook on life and personality as to what choice you make. For me, I'd rather see everyone around me be happy. That's why I always go out of my way to do whatever I can for someone to make them happy, even if it hurts me or puts me under a great deal of stress. I can't stand seeing people around me upset and I always have a sudden urge to fix the problem, it's just unnatural for someone to be so down. That's why I would rather sacrifice my joy and trade it for sadness, just to see everyone happy. I would die for my friends if they were dying and I had the choice to save them at the cost of my own life. :)

~ Jonny

Cameron: Thank god he's extended our Socrates essay for 3 weeks.
Carl: Now we can put it off for another 3 weeks!

Filed in Work, Winter 2007, Myself, Life


Posted by JGJTan  Icon, 19 July 2007 - 12:06 PM

One thing which is really strange about me: When I wake up, I always look for signs. Signs which tell me whether I'll have a good day or a bad day. Sometimes I'll know in the first 5-10mins or sometimes it'll take up to an hour, but I always can tell. Days can only be very good or very bad for me unfortunately enough. Amazingly enough, all this week I've had really awesome days and only one day disguised as a bad day at the start, but it turned into an extremely good one in the end. :)

So today was a pretty awesome day. Mrs. Weren didn't mind that I came late to class yesterday (dental emergency - had to see the dentist because my retainer wouldn't come off AGAIN, only this time I think I melted the plastic onto my teeth instead of it loosening and coming off) and in first period, Mr. Matthews didn't seem to really do anything. Mr. Stowers was absent from Maths, most likely because of his leg pains yesterday, so we had the worst reliever in the world which was actually a good thing. I got a phone call from work and because he is so absent-minded and thick, I answered the phone and just whispered the whole time and he didn't even notice. I then managed to borrow Matt's Alexander notes to use as a reference during Music. Mr. Hassall always gives out little tests on Thursdays and this time it was to list 10+ reasons as to why Alexander could have been considered a "great" commander. I managed to write out my own points and only used two of Matt's ones which was really awesome and I even set them out real awesomely!! But when I got to Classics last period, Mr. Hassall saw my notes and...

"Gentlemen. We all know we have our little test today, but some people put some effort into this. Take Jonathan for example. He has studied on Alexander and has managed to write all these beautifully set out notes as a study guide for this test. He will definitely pass this exam with flying colours."

Made me kinda embarrassed but proud all the same. Let's just hope my notes are actually right, he did say my one on religion was very good though. :D

Oh yeah. It's kinda weird, but I've been noticing some things during my theoretical experiments. I think one of my friends is doubting his social group at the moment, I can kinda tell. I dunno, I just have this weird knack for analyzing people whenever I meet them or see them. I don't want to say anything to him yet but I can tell he's a little restless so I have no idea what to do. Oh and I've been talking heaps with Blair as well which is out of the norm, but really cool all the same. He says I'm as dirty as his ex which is quite funny, seeing as I've met Ben and he didn't strike me as the sort. :P

Anyway, mum's kicking me off so I'll finish off my story tomorrow. Night night!! :P

~ Jonny

Mr. Hassall: So Jonathan, with your wonderful notes and all your hard effort, do you think you'll pass everything in Classics this year?
Me: Umm... yes. Maybe.
Mr. Hassall: Of course you will! I have all the faith in you.
Chris *loud whisper to me but the teacher couldn't hear*: Have you even started your Socrates essay?

Filed in Friends, Myself, School, Winter 2007

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