[alkore]

Im gonna be postin 120 pages maybe. You guys ok with that? They are jokes

This post has been edited by alkore: 22 August 2004 - 08:31 PM

[Spikeout]

Cud go for some more jokes

[alkore]

ok here it is its a year of collecting:


PLEASE forgive any jokes that have apperaed before:
Joke sources: www.joke.com blah blah blah blah.com



Tell me if this came out ok
• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ***?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an *******.
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
* JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Lemieux . . .He Shoots..He..Scores!
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
* Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
* GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
* Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
* Honk If You Want To See My Finger.









69 Things to do in Wal-Mart

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this ****, anyway?''
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!''
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.
* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. * Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''
* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.


Fun With Cops

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.
*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.
*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."
*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.
*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.
*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.
*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."
*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."
*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.
*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.
*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.
*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."
*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.
*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.
*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, "I've got one too!"
*Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."
*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.
*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.
*Ask him what he is doing out so late.
*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.
*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.
*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.
*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.
*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.
*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.
*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.
*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.
*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter "If I don't see you I can't get a ticket."
*Throw cans of Spam at him.
*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.
*Say to him "Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!"
*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...
* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.
* When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.
* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.
*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.
*Keep his pen.
*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.
*Say "Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet."
*Instead of pleading the fifth amendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.
Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick.
Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.




Things You Don't Want to Hear in the Airport

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at twenty dollars.''
9.) ''I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.''
8.) ''Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know it's origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase.''
7.) ''Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!''
6.) ''I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package.''
5.) ''Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed.''
4.) ''For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulance', a common by-product of 'air travel'. Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed.''
3.) ''Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting.''
2.) ''We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila.''
1.) ''This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ... oh, ****!''














50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I’ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. **** motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You’re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...Tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for him or her.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"














Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, ****, I don't know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!
5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?
1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.











Proverbs

''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.''
''Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!''

''Man who run behind car get exhausted''
''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''
''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''
''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok''
''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''
''Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.''
''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''
''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!''
''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.''
''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.''
''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''
''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''
''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!''
''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!''
''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''
''Man who drive like ****, bound to get there!''
''Man who sit on tack get point!''
''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!''
''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.''
''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.''
''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''
''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''.
''Crowded elevator smells different to midget."




Presently viewing: Things You'd Love to Say at Work!
Audience: General Humor Rating: 5 / 5 Category: Work/School Type: Lists/Top10
Things You’d Love to Say at Work!
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be………..?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn’t an office. It’s **** with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!……..Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder. My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Jokes to laugh over!!!


A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."




When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ******* will do.





Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."



1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's **** with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like ****. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?




One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."





Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''





Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or ****." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.
So God takes Bill Gates down to ****, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose ****."

Six months later, God goes down to **** to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."




A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."









One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”


Kill the Anthropologist
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''



Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background
Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos
Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister
Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best
For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me
You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust
Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You
I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister?s Derriere
The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions
The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant
A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother
For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555
Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment
The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate
Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore"
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual
Your Father?s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock
President Bush is Missing a Chromosome
The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC ****. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC **** also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
\



Birdie Poem

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.










Things That Make You Say ****!

10) When people go the speed limit in the fast lane

9) When you just can't seem to get a green light when you're in a hurry.

8) When the police speed in regular traffic, but go the speed limit in emergencies.

7) When police or firemen turn their sirens and lights on just to get past the red light.

6) When their is nothing in the fridge when you're hungry, but when you're full, so is the fridge.

5) When, on the toilet, you go to reach for the toilet paper and....

4) Bob Costas.

3) When the gas prices go up in the summer when you need to use the A/C.

2) When the police pull you over, and you realize you forgot to take the reefer out of your ashtray.

1) When you go to pull the trigger to save your own life, and the gun just goes ''click.'''



How To Clean A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''powerwash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog
Some More Bad Children's Books

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with their Clothes Off!
Scab Football
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
1,001 Ways To Sterilize Daddy
Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear Gets Caught in a Fur Trap and has to Chew His Own Leg Off to Escape
Substitutes for Penis Pumps -- A Boy's Key to Success

50 insane things to do at a mall
- Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

- Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

- Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

- Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

- At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

- Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

- Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

- Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...

- ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".

- Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

- Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

- Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

- Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

- Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

- Test mattresses in your pajamas.

- Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

- If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

- Sprint up the down escalator.

- Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

- Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

- Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

- Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

- At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

- Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

- Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.


- Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

- Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

- In the changing rooms, announce in a sing-song voice, "I see London, I see France..."

- Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

- Play the tuba for change.

- Ask the Hamond Organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".

- Records belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

- Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".

- Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have any "giant crap made out of straw".

- "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

- Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

- Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

- Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

- Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flat-top!"

- Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

- "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

- Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

- Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

- If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

- Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

- Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

- At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

- Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

- Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

99 insane ways to order a pizza
- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

- Use CB lingo where applicable.

- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

- Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

- Answer their questions with questions.

- In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

- Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

- Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

- Stutter on the letter "p."

- Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

- Ask what the order taker is wearing.

- Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

- Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

- Change your accent every three seconds.

- Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

- Start your order with "I'd like . . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

- Rent a pizza.

- Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

- Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "I" sound.

- Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

- Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

- Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

- Imitate the order taker's voice.

- Eliminate verbs from your speech.

- When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

- Play a sitar in the background.

- Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

- Ask to see a menu.

- Quote Carl Sandberg.

- Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

- Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

- Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

- Psychoanalyze the order taker.

- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

- Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

- Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

- Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

- Report a petty theft to the order taker.

- Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

- Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

- Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

- Try to talk while drinking something.

- Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"

- Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

- Be vague in your order.

- When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

- If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

- After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

- Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

- State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

- Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

- Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

- Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

- Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

- Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

- Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

- Put them on hold.

- Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

- Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

- When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

- Haggle.

- Order a one-inch pizza.

- Order term life insurance.

- When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

- Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

- Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

- Engage in some serious swapping.

- Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

- Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

- If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

- Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

- Order a steamed pizza.

- Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

- Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
Weird things to ponder
1. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
2. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
3. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
4. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
5. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
6. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
7. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
8. Did anyone see my lost carrier?
9. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
11. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
12. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
13. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
14. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
15. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
16. Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
17. There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
18. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
19. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
20. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
21. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
22. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
23. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Double your drive space - delete Windows!
24. What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
25. Assassins do it from behind.
26. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
27. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
28. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
29. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
30. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
31. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
32. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
33. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
34. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
35. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
36. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
37. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
38. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
39. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
40. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
41. All generalizations are false, including this one.
42. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
43. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
44. I may not know what I'm doing, but I know how to do it.
45. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
46. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
47. "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
48. Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
49. it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
50. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
51. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
52. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
53. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
54. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
55. I had amnesia once or twice.
56. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Disturbing things to do at a movie
1. Wear a top hat.

2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!".

3. Go, "ooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.

5. Make a noise like you're passing gas and go, "ahhh..."

6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some jujy fruits for your asthma.

7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast forward it?"

8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl's bathroom is flooding.

11. Yell out loud what is going to happen.

12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.

13. Wear a cape and when it's your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.

14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.

15. Tell people that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"

Things to do when you're bored
-Wax the ceiling
-Rearrange political campaign signs
-Sharpen your teeth
-Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Braid your dog's hair
-Clean and polish your belly button
-Water your dog...see if he grows
-Wash a tree
-Knight yourself
-Name your child Edsel
-Scare Stephen King
-Give your cat a mohawk
-Purr
-Mow your carpet
-Play Pat Boone records backwards
-Vacuum your lawn
-Whine
-Rake your carpet
-Re-elect Richard Nixon
-Critique "Three's Company"
-Listen to a painting
-Play with matches
-Buff your cat
-Race ferrets
-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange
-Have a formal dinner at White Castle
-Read Homer in the original Greek
-Change your mind
-Learn Greek
-Change it back
-Watch the sun...see if it moves
-Stand on your head
-Build a pyramid
-Stand on someone else's head
-Spit shine your Nikes
-See how long you can stay awake
-Paint your teeth
-See how long you can sleep
-Wear a salad
-Speak with a forked tongue
-Get your dog braces
-Shave a shrub
-Have a proton fight
-Watch a car rust
-Quiver
-Rotate your carpet
-Learn to type...with your toes
-Set up your Christmas tree in April
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
-Be someone special
-Mail it to a friend
-Go back to square one
-Factor your social security number
-Take the fifth
-Memorize a series of random numbers
-Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
-Join the Foreign Legion
-Learn Sanskrit
-Exist...existentially, of course
-Print counterfeit Confederate money
-Kick a cabbage
-Take a picture
-Sandpaper a mushroom
-Put it back
-Play solitaire...for cash
-Abuse your patio furniture
-Run for Pope
-Count to a million...fast
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
-Revert
-Think shallow thoughts
-Sleep on a bed of nails
-Boil ice cream
-DON'T toss and turn
-Run around in squares
-Think of quadruple entendres
-Speak in acronyms
-Have your pillow X-rayed
-Drink straight shots...of water
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown
-Give your goldfish a perm
-Fly a brick
-Play tag...on 35W
-Exorcise a ghost
-Be blue
-Exercise a ghost
-Be red
-Paint stripes on a lake
-But don't be orange
-Ski Kansas
-Sleep in freefall
-Kill a Joule
-Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
-Apply for a unicorn hunting license
-Do a good job
-Crawl
-Invite the Mansons over for dinner
-Paint your windows
-Watch a watch until it stops
-Flash your goldfish
-Paint
-Flirt with an evergreen
-Smile
-Rotate your garden...daily
-Paint a smile
-Shoot a fire hydrant
-Pretend you're blind
-Apologize to it
-Plant a shoe
-Sweat
-Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
-Turn
-Take your sofa for a walk
-Write a letter to Plato
-Start
-Mail it
-Stop
-Dial 911 and breathe heavily
-Go to a funeral...tell jokes
-Play the piano...with mittens on
-Starch your shoes
-Polish your Calvin's
-Contemplate a cockroach
-Get a dog to chase your car
-Investigate the Czar
-Let him catch it
-Form a political party
-Climb a sidewalk
-Have a political party
-Get diagonal...with a good friend
-Ride a loaf of bread
-Sharpen a carrot
-Interrogate a gerbil
-Annoy yourself
-Get mad at yourself
-Stop speaking to yourself
-Be a side effect
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley
-Duck
-Redecorate...your garage
-Develop a complex
-Join the Army...be someone simple
-Try harder
-Hit the deck
-Put legwarmers on your furniture
-Cut the deck
-Scheme
-Sit
-Water your family room
-Stay
-Cause a power failure
-Roll over
-Wriggle
-Play dead
-Donate your brother's body to science
-Find a witch
-Ask why
-Burn her
-Regress
-Sleepwalk without sleeping
-Go bow hunting for Toyotas
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
-Jump back
-Play to lose
-Scalp a street light
-Have your car painted...plaid
-Read a tomato
-Sharpen your sleeping skills
-Watch a game show...take notes
-Put out a fire
-Interview a cloud
-If you can't find a fire, make one
-Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
-Play basketball...in a minefield
-Crumple
-Translate Shakespeare into English
-Skydive to church
-Cheer up a potato
-Do aerobic exercises...in your head
-Play cards with your swimming pool
-Pinstripe your driveway
-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
-Harness chipmunk power
-Build a house with ice cubes
-Call London for a cab
-Mug a stop sign
-Change your name...daily
-Go for a walk in your attic
-Challenge your neighbor to a duel
-Try to join ****'s Angels by mail
-Wonder
-Be a square root
-Ask stupid questions
-Weld your car doors shut
-Spew
-Vacation at Three-Mile Island
-Surf Ohio
-Teach your pet rock to play dead
-Go bowling for small game
-Be a monk...for a day
-Wear a sweatband to your wedding
-Staple
-Run away
-Intimidate a piece of chalk
-Abuse the plumbing
-Bend

[alkore]

MORE: COULDNT FIT ALL OF EM



More great jokes
1. A man went to visit his friend, at the front lawn he sees the friends boy playing alone, he asks the boy:” where is your daddy?", BOY:” he was ran over by a car" MAN:” where is your mother?" BOY:” she was ran over by a car" MAN:” where is your brothers?" BOY:” they were ran over by a car" MAN:” poor boy what were you doing?" BOY:” nothing just driving a car".

2. A doctor goes to visit a mad men house, he goes in & sees all of the mad men with bandages on their heads,"Hey what's going in?" he asks, a mad man answers:"we invented a new game, we draw a line on the floor & try to go under the line".

3. Friend #1 to friend #2:"lets play basketball" friend #2:"why for? lets fight now".

4. A guy stops a police car & says:” officer there was a huge accident down this road", OFFICER:” thanks, I’ll drive the other way".

5. Two friends meet, Friend #1:"hey want to come to my house on Sunday?" Friend #2:"I can't, Madichi is performing",F#1:"that's ok what about monday?" F#2:"Madichi again" F#1(asks more but the friend can't come) "you have to go to all of the concerts?" F#2:"NO, those are the days that I can visit his wife".

6. Once there was this great magician if he would say your name you will die, so one day he said:” Grandmother", & his Grandmother died, he said:” Uncle" & his Uncle died, he said:” Father" & his next-door neighbor died.

7. Four nuns go to heaven, as they enter an angel comes & asks the first nun, "did you ever touch a mans dick?", "Yes once with my finger, "than go wash your finger in the holly water" the angel says, the second nun says she touched a mans dick with her hand, so she goes & washes her hand, as the third nun comes to the angel the forth nun pushes her & say "I'm not going to drink the holly water after she puts her but in them!".

8. Two people come to the electric chair, they are asked if they want a last wish, the first one says "I want to hear the "Macarena" for the last time in full volume", the second one says "Kill me now!!!".

9. Father & son go together to a Meat factory, the father tells his son "You see, they put a donkey on one said and on the other side comes out a hot dog" so the son says:” If you put a hot dog on one side a donkey will come out from the other side?", his father says:” it works only with your mom".

10. "Say, didn't I cut your hair before?" the barber asked his client, "No" the client says,” the scar is from the war!".

11. Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said on clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

12. If you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, whose would you pick ?

13. The man woke up in the hospital after a terrible car crash. He asked the doctor, "What happened to me?" "Well" The doctor said, "I've got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that both of your legs are gone. "That's terrible" said the man. "What could possibly be good after that?" "The good news is that those pesky corns of yours are completely gone."

14. "Doctor I can't remember anything." Doctor:” First pay..."

15. This lunatic tells a doctor his life story, "I had a twin brother, every thing he did they thought it was me, He stole they put me in prison, He cursed they screamed at me, and etc... But yesterday I got him, I was killed and he got buried.

16. A man goes to the doctor "Doctor I'm in love with a horse," "Is it a male or a female horse" asks the doctor, "Of course a female horse, WHAT?, Do you think I'm not normal?

17. A girl goes to her grandmother, "grandma why do you have such big ears?" "so I can here you, my sweet child," says grandma "And why do you have such a big nose, grandma?" so grandma says "Did you saw my fingers?"

18. Two flies are sitting on a big, wet, smelly piece of dog dropping, than a third fly comes and farts, the two flies look at him and say "Gross, can't you see we're eating here?!"

19. A drunk enters a bus sits next to a girl and pukes all over her, "OH, GROSS" the girl says "I'm gross," the drunk says "Look at you!"

20. A fisherman marries a very, very ugly women, so everyone asked him "what he found in her?" so he answers "Worms!"

21. A man and a woman are kissing the woman say "I think I swallowed your gum" the man answers "No, I just have the cold"

22. A poor guy knockes on a door and asks for food, the womam asks him "Do you like food from yesterday?" "Sure" answers the poor guy "Than come tomorow" says the woman.

23. A man comes back home and declares "I can hear, I finally bought that hearing device!" his wife tells him "You see, I told you that the hearing device will help you" the man looks at her and says "Ah, so that was what you're saynig all this years"

24. A man to his wife " what do you want?, a trip to sweeden or a dimond ring?", Wife: "a trip to sweeden, I heard dimonds are really cheap there"

25. Three people are escaping from jail, they get to a river and pry to god, "run" god says "say something and you'll become it". the first one says "bird" and flyies away, the second says "fish" and swims, the third man hits a rock and says "Oh ****"

26. "Today I'm starting a salad diet", "Good, what's a salad diet?", "Eating everything except salad"

27. A man:"Doctor I'm blind!", Doctor:"can you prove it?" Man:"Yes, do you see that nail on the wall?" Doctor:"Yes", Man:"I can't."

28. An old woman to her old friend "How do you wash your teeth?", "In the dishwasher

Fun things to put on your answering machine
"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me..."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system."

"(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP"

"Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you."

"I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message."

"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?"

"Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?"

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to hang up the phone and never call here again."

"I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you."

"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it onscreen?"

"(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. It's two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone."

"A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future."

"You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron."

"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges."

"This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when."

"Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast."

"Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible."

"This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES."

"The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password."

"I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing."

"This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetyl cholinesterase...."

"Hello, you've reached a government office. Please be prepared to wait on hold for one hour and 17 minutes before being automatically disconnected, OR leave your name and number and your call will NOT be returned."

"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, pleases send money, If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

(Narrator's voice) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas, no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell that sounded. Thou must leave a message."


Nice lil things:

Why is cheating considered cheating....
Couldn't it just be considered curiosity...

I was standing in the park, wondering why Frisbees
got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.

(Name), I love you so mu-…Wow! A bird!



Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."
Yo momma Is SO Ugly, She Makes Blind kids Cry.


Yo Momma is so dumb, when i told her the drinks were on the house, she went and got a ladder.


Yo Momma Is So Stupid, when i told her to get me a color T.V., she asked me what color I wanted.


Yo Momma Is So Stupid, when she saw a "Wrong-Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.


Yo momma Is So Stupid, She thought the board of education was a piece of wood.


Some Classics for ya'll:

Yo momma is so stupid, she walked into an antique store and asked whats new.

Yo Momma is so fat, her belt size is equator

Yo momma is so fat, she filled her tub with half a cup of water and when she got in it overflowed.


Yo Momma is so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.


Yo momma is so dumb, she got fired from the M & M's factory because she threw away all the W's.


Yo momma is like a hardware store, 10 cents a screw.


Yo momma is so stupid, she jumped off a bridge to see if her pads really did have wings.


Yo momma is so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.


Yo Momma is so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.


Yo momma is so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.


Yo momma is so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.


Yo Momma is so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.


you mommas so fat wen she fell down the grand canyion she got stuck

FROM: JAMES
Yo momma is so fat, she put on a Malcom X shirt, and a helicopter landed on her chest.


Yo Momma is so stupid, she got run over by a parked car.


ur mommas so stupid she thought a turd was a chocolate log and ate it

FROM: JAMES
Your Mom is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.


Yo Momma is so thick she threw a ball at the ground and missed

Yo Momma is so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck


Ur moomas so fat wen she bent over not only did she rip her trousers she riped the worlds air

FROM: JAMES
Your Moms a§§ is so big, it looks like she's got two pigs fighting over a milkdud.


Your Moms so crossed eyed, she dropped a dime and picked up two nickels


Yo momma's so fat when she wore a yellow coat people hailed "Taxi!"

Yo momma's so fat she went to the beach and people from "Save The Whales" turned up


Yo momma is so fat she did a back flip and kicked Jesus in the chin.


Yo Momma is so fat, she bungee jumped and fell straight to ****.


Yo Momma is so dumb, she got stabbed in a shootout.

FROM: JAMES
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.


Yo momma so hairy...you almost died of carpet burns when you were born.


Yo momma is so ugly she stuck her head out a car window and got arrested for mooning.


Yo Momma is so old, I told her to act her age and she died.


Yo momma is so dirty when the Colonel yelled "hit the dirt" everyone punched yo momma.


Yo momma is so fat last time she saw 90210 it was on the scale.


Yo Momma is so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved.


Yo momma's so fat...wait you don't have a momma, you have two daddies and a chemistry set.


FROM: JAMES

Yo Mommas Teeth Are So Yellow, I Can't Believe Its Not Butter.


Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!


Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!


Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.


Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."



Yo mama is so fat and stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!


Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.


Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.


Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!


Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!




Yo Momma Is So Fat, It Would Take A Third World Country To Finish Eating Her.


your mommas so fat when she jumps the whole world population jumps to

FROM: JAMES
Your Momma's armpits is so hairy, it looks like she has the Yeti in a headlock.


Your mommas so fat when she was looking at the hippos at the zoo,everyone else thought a hippo had escaped

FROM: JAMES
Yo mommas so fat she wears the equator as a belt



Yo Momma so fat, she uses a VCR as a pager.


'Hehe' Good one'
your mommas so fat that her chin looks like a 12 pack of sausages




Yo Momma so fat, when she walks backwards, her VCR/Pager starts to go off.


Yo moma is so fat, she has more chins then a Chinese phone book.

FROM: JAMES
Yo Momma is like a lightbulb, even a three year old knows how to turn her on.


Yo momma so fat she takes a bath with diet soap.

[alkore]

MORE COULDNT FIT ALL OF THEM AGAIN:



Hold the Mayo

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfrend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce,lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonaise in my eye!"



Stumbling and Mumbling

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog. The man stops her and asks, "Hey where'd ya get the pig?" The woman replies, "Listen you drunken *******, that's a dog not a pig." The man then said, "Take it easy, I was talking to the dog"










A Real WANGsta

Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg?
A: That one in the middle thinks he's hard











Jedi Nights

Q: Why do they make glow in the dark condoms?
A: So that gay men can play Star Wars.






King JESUS

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin some jewerly out of a jewerly box. Out of nowhere he hears, "Jesus is watchin you." He looks around, but doesn't see anything, so he goes into the next room. He starts looking around in the dressers and closets, then hears the same voice again, "Jesus is watchin you." Hegets a little scared so he starts sneaking around the house to search for the voice when he hears it again, "Jesus is watchin you." He follows the voice and it leads him to a bird cage. He sees the bird and asks, "Did you say that?" The bird replied, "Yes" "What is your name little bird?" "Moses" "What kind of retarded people name their birds Moses?" The bird smiles, "The kind of people who name there rottweiler Jesus!"



Gold Digger

Yo mama is so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washingtons nose!



Blow pop

You''re so gay, you could sit on a lollipop and guess its flavor.


•Yo momma so fat her nickname is "****!"
•Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
•Yo momma so fat were in her right now
•Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
•Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
•Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
•Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her...
•Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world
•Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
•Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
•Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
•Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
•Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
•Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
•Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
•Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
•Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
•Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
•Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
•Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
•Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
•Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
•Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
•Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
•Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
•Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
•Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
•Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
•Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, LA, Chicago...
•Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
•Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
•Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
•Yo momma so fat you have to roll her *** in flour and look for the wet spot to have sex with her
•Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side!
•Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
•Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
•Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
•Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to ****!
•Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
•Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
•Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
•Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
•Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
•Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
•Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
•Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips!
•Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
•Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
•Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
•Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
•Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!
•Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
•Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
•Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
•Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
•Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
•Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
•Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again.
•Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
•Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
•Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
•Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
•Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
•Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
•Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
•Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ***
•Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
•Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
•Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
•Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
•Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
•Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
•Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
•Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
•Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
•Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
•Yo momma so fat that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
•Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized in the ocean.
•Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
•Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
•Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
•Yo momma so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
•Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
•Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
•Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
•Yo momma so fat she accidentally got a 747 caught in her teeth
•Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
•Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
•Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to GET OFF!!!
•Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
•Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development
•Yo momma so fat she won "Miss Bessie the Cow 94"
•Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
•Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck
YO MOMMA SO STUPID
•Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
•Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
•Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
•Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
•Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
•Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
•Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
•Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
•Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
•Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
•Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
•Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
•Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
•Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
•Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
•Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
•Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
•Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
•Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
•Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
•Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
•Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald’s!
•Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
•Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
•Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
•Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
•Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
•Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
•Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
•Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course
•Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler"
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
•Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
•Yo momma so stupid She went to Disney World and saw a sign that said "Disney World Left" so she went home.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said Levi's
YO MOMMA IS SO UGLY
•Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
•Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
•Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
•Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
•Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
•Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
•Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
•Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "****, is it Halloween already?"
•Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
•Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
•Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
•Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
•Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!
•Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
•Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
•Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
•Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
•Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
•Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
•Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
•Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
•Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
•Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
•Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
•Yo momma so ugly your dad's breath smells like crap because he would rather kiss her ***.
•Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow
YO MOMMA SO OLD
•Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
•Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
•Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
•Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch'
•Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
•Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! •Yo momma so old she's in Jesus’ yearbook!
•Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
•Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
•Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
•Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
•Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
•Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything".
•Yo momma so old she was Jesus Wet Nurse
•Yo momma so old she’s blind from the big bang •Yo momma so old even God calls her mother!
YO MOMMA IS SO DIRTY
•Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bath water.
YO MOMMA'S NOSE
•Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
•Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinocchio look like a cat!
YO MOMMA IS SO GREASY
•Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a Band-Aid!
•Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
•Yo momma so greasy Exxon buys Oil from her
YO MOMMA'S TEETH
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
YO MOMMA IS SO LAZY
•Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
YO MOMMA IS SO SKINNY
•Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
•Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
•Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
YO MOMMA IS SO BALD
•Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help!
•Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind
•Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
YO MOMMA IS SO TALL
•Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
•Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
•Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
YO MOMMA IS SO FLAT
•Yo momma so flat she makes the wall jealous!
YO MOMMA'S GLASSES
•Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
•Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
YO MOMMA IS SO SHORT
•Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
•Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
•Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
•Yo momma so short she does back-flips under the bed.
•Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
•Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip
•Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick
YO MOMMA IS SO NASTY
•Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
•Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach
•Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left.
•Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
•Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bath water.
•Yo momma so nasty that her crap is glad to escape.
•Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
•Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
•Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place
•Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarantine since before she was born
•Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma
•Yo momma so nasty her teeth look like she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!!!
•Yo momma so nasty she has two pussies and they both stink.
•Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea
•Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her
YO MOMMA IS LIKE
•Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay
•Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
•Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
•Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
•Yo momma like a TV set, even a three year old can turn her on!
•Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
•Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
•Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
•Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
•Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
•Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
•Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing
•Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
•Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
•Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
•Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
•Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
•Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
•Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
•Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
•Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
•Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
•Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
•Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size
YO MOMMA IS SO HAIRY
•Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rug burn at birth!
•Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples!
•Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
•Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
•Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
•Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
•Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker
YO MOMMA IS SO SLUTTY
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
•Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
•Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs"
•Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
•Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ***" charity drive
•Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times.
•Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
•Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecoming Disease
•Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.
YO MOMMA HAS
•Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
•Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
•Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
•Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
•Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
•Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
•Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
•Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights.
•Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
•Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
•Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
•Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
YO MOMMA GOT
•Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
•Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
•Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo.
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
•Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
•Yo momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!!
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches.
•Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
•Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
•Yo momma got eyes in her butt talking about "****, did you see that crap?!"
YO MOMMA'S HOUSE
•Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
•Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
•Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!
•Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
YO MOMMA'S HAIR
•Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stitches.
•Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice.
YO MOMMA'S HEAD
•Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts.
•Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar.
•Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
•Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
MISCELLANEOUS
•Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
•Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
•Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
•Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
•Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
•Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
•Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
•Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
•Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
•Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
•Yo momma twice the man you are.
•Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
•Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
•Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
•Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
•Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
•Yo momma rouchy, the McDonald’s she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
•Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
•Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
•Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS "
•Yo momma threw a Frisbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet.
•Yo momma can wrestle a cow to the ground.
•Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
• If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his *** and make him walk backwards.
• It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!
• You were born out of your mother's *** 'cos her cunt was too busy.
•I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
•I seen your mother downtown scrapping with a pigeon for a peanut.
•Yo dick is so small, you pee on your nuts

[alkore]

ALMOST DONE:



Learn to speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?


Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line

Man Falls Asleep At Church... Mark as unread


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.



Which Hole Mark as unread


Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know
or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to ****."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to ****!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. "Then, go to ****!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my *******." And the idiot went to
Heaven.




Jackass Mark as unread


In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!
64 Ways to Piss off a Cop Mark as unread


1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"

2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.

3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.

5) Touch him.

6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.

7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8) Refer to him by his first name.

9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

10) When he says no, cry.

11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.

13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.

14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.

15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"

16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.

17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."

18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.

19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.

20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"

21) Trip and fall into him.

22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.

24) Chew on the pen, nervously.

25) Clean your ear with the pen.

26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....

28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.

29) Act like you are retarded.

30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.

31) Or mumble to yourself.

32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?

33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......

34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!

36) Ask if he watches Cops.

37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

38) Giggle if he did.

39) Talk to your hand.

40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.

41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.

42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.

44) Try to sell him your car.

45) Ask if you can buy his car.

46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.

47) Play with the siren.

48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.

50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.

51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.

54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.

56) Turn your head and whistle.

57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.

58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

60) Ask if you can see his gun.

61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.

62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

63) Tell him you like men in uniform.

64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

[alkore]

I made a few of these up in each topic... im almost done lol





Would You Kill My Wife Mark as unread


A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"


Who Died the Worst Death? Mark as unread


Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."



The Screw... Mark as unread


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"


Man Who Loved Baked Beans Mark as unread


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.



The Big Test Mark as unread


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this
gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We
must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what
the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another for 13 shots. Then all **** broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the ******* to death with
the chair!"


Interesting Facts (With Interesting Comments) Mark as unread


If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

Dad's Practical Jokes Mark as unread


Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes
to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.
Now don't get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but
sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing
practical jokes.

This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep
over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our
cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat
doesn't? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at
the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this?
It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo.
He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna's pillow and pulls up the
blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.

I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting
up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink
two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed.
Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those
kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always
places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So
clean.

She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then
she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat's
poo. "Ooh, ooh, ooh," she screams. "Oh, look, disgusting. Foul.
Look what the cat's done on my pillow." Suddenly dad bursts into
the room. "What's up, girls?" he says with a silly grin on his
face. "What's all the fuss about?"

Anna is pulling a terrible face. "Look," she says in horror as
she points to the pillow.

Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. "Don't let a little thing
like that worry you," he says. He picks up the plastic poo and
pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. "D'licioush," he says
through closed lips.

"Aargh," screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws
up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.

Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. "It's okay," he
says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. "It's not real."
Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She
decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don't
blame her.

"Dad," I yell after Anna is gone. "I am never speaking to you
again." "Don't be such a baby," he says. "It's only a little
joke." It's always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to
stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the
trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds,
and Dracula's blood seeping out of dad's mouth. Some of the kids
think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate
it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And
Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But
each time I am so embarrassed.

And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the
school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants
to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house.
"Dad," I say. "No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her
father would never play practical jokes. She might not
understand." "No worries," says dad.

Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on
our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the
morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all
that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia
is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into
the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on
the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia
offers--yes--offers to do it.

Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in
the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. "The cat's on my
bed," she says. "But it doesn't matter. I like cats." She pulls
back the blankets. And screams. "Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo
on my pillow." She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad
bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over
and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and
pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin.
His face freezes over. "Are you looking for this?" I say. I hold
up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets
earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to
the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love
a good joke.
Category: Misc: Other
Rating: PG
By: Chili Dog

[alkore]

THIS IS THE LAST ONE!





Sharing a Room Mark as unread


By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."



Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister Mark as unread


Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat






Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.


New Stud Rooster Mark as unread


A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . .
look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now,
don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"

Signs... Mark as unread


Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO


Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Category: Misc: Other
Rating: PG
By: Scavenger




Hit the Floor! Mark as unread


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan


Vacation at a Nude Beach Mark as unread


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and
plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom
says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they
are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!"


Top 10 Actual Email Addresses Mark as unread


Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or
end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson =
mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the
problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people
to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved,
however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton
Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com



For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Mark as unread


For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?
21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.
23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way.
24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need
it.
27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store
check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required
on it.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the
softness of the bread.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your
ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you'll have to
catch up.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you




Wash with holy water Mark as unread


Four nuns died simultaneously in a car crash and arrived at the
pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "Have you ever
touched a penis?" "Yes, father," she replied, "I once touched a
man's penis with the very tip of my finger." "Swish that
offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "say a
prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised
land."

The second nun said, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis
with my whole hand." St. Peter instructed this second offending
girl to douse her entire hand in the holy water, say two prayers
begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.

As nun #3 approached, nun #4 shoved her aside, "Father," she
shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she
dunks her *** in there, you've got another thing coming!"





Jesus is Watching You Mark as unread


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus."






Driver's License Mark as unread


A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out
of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't
talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,
"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't
want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about
her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you
have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.
It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you
everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old
you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you
know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how
much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy
got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."




Postcards from Honeymoon Mark as unread


A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted




My son's more successful than yours. Mark as unread


Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."



The Intercom Mark as unread


One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a
blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as ****): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!"




Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents Mark as unread


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."



Actual Directions Mark as unread


These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!


1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!"
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
"Do not turn upsode down"
(Too late)

3. On Marks & Spencer’s Bread Pudding.
"Product will be hot after heating"
(Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of Christmas lights.
"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
(As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
(Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)

[Ratty]

Wow... lots of Jokes...

i read quite a few... but ya know... way too many

eh eh, funny things to do on an elevator

[Spikeout]

hehe pretty funny ! im lookin forward 2 reading the 2nd post lol i finished the firs t

[alkore]

Lol sorry tried to tell you. If its really to me i can delete it though. 119 pages in word.

[Final F8]

Heh, I read some of them, but there's a few too many to read them all

No need to delete them though. If people want to read the whole lot they can

[alkore]

Lol ok. Then again im sure there are some others have posted so its prob not that long to some people who can scroll past the ones theyve read before.

[SAJOWNS FFS]

Lmao the cop ones and take away ones were good.

[Ratty]

Lol! i just read the '69 things to do in Wal-Mart' part

sooo funny