[cjjones]

How To Bathe A Cat

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
III. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
IV. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
V. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
IV. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better





and the other version:


1.Pour 2-3 bottles of shampoo into the toilet.
2.Obtain the cat and soothe him on the way to the bathroom.
3.In one smooth motion, jam the cat inside the toilet, close both lids and flush several times for an effective clean and rinse.
4.During step 3 keep all body parts away from the edges of the toilet, as the cat will be searching for ny purchase with his claws.
5.Have someone open all the doors towards outside aand clear out.
6.Get as far behind the toilet as possible and quickly lift both lidds as the cat bolts outside and dries itself.


Sincerely,
The Dog

[CongressJon]

Lol, that was hilarious!

[Grimbold]

Rofl! That's a great one!

[X Zolon]

Nooo! The poor kitty! Not a toilet!

A funny story to that:

I had a cat, Copper (The guardian angel cat, she was to me) and when I was like 2, and she was young, i tried to flush her down the toilet. How fun.

[cjjones]

lol zolon, don't you usually flush dead goldfish down the toilet - i know we did. those came from a newsletter my mum's boyfriend gets and a joke book of which i have all 3, they're the funniest books you'll ever read (asides maybe from Bored of the Rings, and Barry Trotter and the Shameless Parody).

[X Zolon]

Nope. never flushed a goldfish down a toilet. we burried him in the backyard o.O

[Grimbold]

You actually buried him... How strange... The preferred method is down the toilet, but whatever... It sounds like you needed help when you were a child X Z.

[X Zolon]

Why would I need help? All animals, from Cats to fish, and all others, deserve burial. TO me it's only proper. As a child, or rather a baby, Copper, she was my guardian, she went and got my parents whenever I was in danger. SO I have a natural affinity for animals.

[Grimbold]

No no no I meant trying to flush your kitty down the toilet. Sorry about that.

[cjjones]

lol, strange people do strange things (i never washed my cat with either of these methods - that'd just be cruel).

[Grimbold]

Well, method I seems to be rather humane... (and realistic, especially with my cat)

[cjjones]

you cruel, cruel people. why would you do that to your poor, sweet, innocent victi... *cough, cough* pets?? and what about the other method, Grimby?

[X Zolon]

Cruelness?

You want cruelness?

Play hide and seek, stop a dryer from running, hide in it, hide in back so no-one can see you, and then have your mom come and turn it back on.

That hurt.

[Phieta]

[X Zolon]

Yes, Quite.