[Darkness]

CHRISTINE: Come to me and hide no longer, Angel!

RAOUL: ARE YOU IN THERE WITH SOME VAMPIRE?

[But Raoul is too late, because the mirror has opened and Christine has been pulled through by… an “angel” in formal wear. And a mask. Well, half a mask.]




Some... vampire... >.<

[Nazē.]

Haha. Yay for reference to other works of Butler! XD

[Darkness]

MEG: Christine? You in here? Hey… what’s with the mirror? It’s… a door… and it’s a two-way mirror…! Well, clearly I have got to track down this pervert even though I’m still in my tutu.

[The passage looks nothing like the one Christine saw. In fact, it’s kind of dark and slimy.]

A RAT: Hey, baby.

MEG: AHHHHHHHHHH!

MADAME GIRY: Marguerite! You weel leave ze passazh alone, please!

MEG: But Christine is missing! And there’s this total peeping Tom mirror door thing, and she’s probably been kidnapped by some stalky jerkwad!

MADAME GIRY: And… your point ees…?

[Nazē.]

Lawl.

RAOUL: Why did you drag me up here?

CHRISTINE: Because the Phantom will kill you if he sees you with me!

RAOUL: Oh, shpfff. There’s no Phantom.

[The Phantom who does not exist is watching them from behind a statue.]

CHRISTINE: Yuh-huh! We had a sleepover and everything! I’ve seen his face, Raoul!

RAOUL: OMG YOU SAW HIS FACE?

CHRISTINE: It was terrible!

RAOUL: How terrible?

CHRISTINE: Well… not really all that terrible, it wasn’t even his whole face—it wasn’t even really half his face…

RAOUL: IT SOUNDS SO TERRIBLE.

CHRISTINE: And I mean, really, it’s not like he’s a leper or anything… really, you could just have him sleep on the right side of the bed and he’d look just fine if you were lying on the other side… really fine…

RAOUL: YOU MUST BE TRAUMATIZED. TELL ME YOU ARE TRAUMATIZED.

[Darkness]

BUQUET THE STAGEHAND: …And in the book, he’s got a hole where his nose ought to be, and his hands are cold and he’s like a cadaver all over!

SOME DANCER: But what about in the movie?

BUQUET: In the movie? He’s got a terrible… third degree… SUNBURN!

THE DANCERS: *scream and faint dead away*

[Nazē.]

CHRISTINE: Hmm. Everyone’s dressed in black and and white and gold. I think my giant pink dress will blend in just fine, particularly if neither of us wear masks, even though we’re on the downlow.

RAOUL: Why must we sneak around like this, Christine?

CHRISTINE: Our engagement must be secret, Raoul! I know—I’ll hide the big sparkly ring in my cleavage! No one EVER looks there!

[Darkness]

CARLOTTA: I am so gladda to have my throata spritz!

[The Phantom has switched Carlotta’s throat spray with something {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}-nasty. Let’s see if she notices.]

CARLOTTA: *spritz spritz* It taste-a little different tonighta, but—AHHHHOOOOAAAAACKKKKUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHA!

CAST OF IL MUTO: Flee the stage! Run for your lives!

FIRMIN: THE BALLET! PUT ON THE BALLET!

STAGEHAND: Bring out the dramatic sheep!

ANDRE: NO, YOU FOOL! THE COMEDY SHEEP! BRING OUT THE COMEDY SHEEP!

THE DANCERS: *prance*

THE COMEDY SHEEP: *baa*

[Nazē.]

*Gets lazy to paste something here*

[Darkness]

MADAME GIRY: Anyway, Erik was zere, and—

RAOUL: Hey, is that Swedish?

MADAME GIRY: How ze hell zhould I know? L’anyhoodle, zey ’ad ’im caged up as a fhreak—

RAOUL: With a c or with a k?

MADAME GIRY: LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ZE STORY OR NOT?

RAOUL: Sorry, sorry.


L'anyhoodle, eh? I think I'll start using that.

[Nazē.]

Lawl, I always thought that was really strange.



VOICE FROM THE DAAÉ TOMB: Christine! Come to me!

CHRISTINE: Daddy? Is that you?

VOICE FROM THE DAAÉ TOMB: …Sure, if that’s your kink.

[Raoul rides up, leaps off his white charger, and tosses his hair urgently.]

RAOUL: Christine! That’s not your dad! That’s just the Phantom!

VOICE FROM THE DAAÉ TOMB: NO IT’S NOT! I’M TOTALLY HER DAD! DADDY LOVES YOU, CHRISTINE!

RAOUL: Oh, COME ON, Christine! You hung out with this guy! You fell in love with his stupid voice! You ought to be able to recognize it!

CHRISTINE: Well, it does sound kind of familiar…

RAOUL: And you saw his face, right?

CHRISTINE: Well… yeah… I mean… he bears kind of a passing resemblance to my father… I mean, aside from the giant Sunburn of Doom… He really looked like my dad when we were singing about the Music of the Night and he was running his hands all over me.

[Darkness]

CHRISTINE: Well… yeah… I mean… he bears kind of a passing resemblance to my father… I mean, aside from the giant Sunburn of Doom… He really looked like my dad when we were singing about the Music of the Night and he was running his hands all over me.

RAOUL: YOU ARE WRONG IN THE HEAD.

THE PHANTOM: I KEEL YOU, FABIO!

[The Phantom leaps out of his hiding place on the tomb and jumps on Raoul, and they start running around the cemetery, clashing swords and desecrating graves.]

CHRISTINE: Hey, you guys—?

RAOUL: *STABBITY!*

CHRISTINE: You guys—!

THE PHANTOM: *SLA{expletive hax0rd by Cspace}Y!*

CHRISTINE: It’s kind of cold out here—

[Nazē.]

THE PHANTOM: Wear this ring and be mine FOREVER.

CHRISTINE: Wait, isn’t this Raoul’s ring?

THE PHANTOM: Well… yes.

CHRISTINE: So... who does that engage me to, exactly…?

THE PHANTOM: Well… it engages you to… wait…


Heh, I love the look on Erik's face when he says the "wait..." XD It fits so well.

[Darkness]

[The Phantom cruises on stage in his cute little Zorro mask, confident that no one will notice the difference until it’s too late.]

SOME MIDGET: Hey, isn’t our Don Juan short, Italian, and tubby?

CHRISTINE: Oh {expletive hax0rd by Cspace}.

THE PHANTOM: I sing of seduction and surrender in a completely non-metaphorical way!

CHRISTINE: I kind of dig this.

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS CORPS DE BALLET: *shimmies*

THE PHANTOM: I sing of really unsubtle metaphors about flames and racing blood and opening buds!

CHRISTINE: Ooo, tell me more.

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS DEATH DANCE TROUPE: *bunny hops*

[Nazē.]

Hehe.

[Christine rips off the Phantom’s cute little Zorro mask, revealing a monster with half his face burned off and his eyelid all messed up and half his hair greying and fallen out… despite the fact most of this wasn’t covered by the little Zorro mask, and it looked fine two minutes ago.]

[Darkness]

[The Phantom opens the gate and allows Raoul to wade into his lair. This should be everybody’s first clue that something is afoot.]

THE PHANTOM: Hey, could you stand here by the gate for a moment?

RAOUL: No problem.

THE PHANTOM: Awesome. Hold this rope for me while I tie you up with the other one.

RAOUL: Sure thing.

THE PHANTOM: HA HA! I HAVE YOU NOW, VICOMTE!

RAOUL: HEY!

THE PHANTOM: AND NOW I STRANGLE YOU WITH THE OTHER ROPE!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejourna l.com
RAOUL: Ohhhhhh, my hand at the level of my eyes—NGGGGGGHHHHHHH!