[alkore]

Ive been around the block a few times, and this is all the stuff Ive managed to gather. Figured id contribute a little bit.


A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."



Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun.

They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off. "What's so funny?" they asked him.

"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."






SMART {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for
her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied,
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

SMART {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006!!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-{expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} guy in the back of the room raised his hand
and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."




A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.
He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.

"Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy.
"Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam.
The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.
"One lady coming up." says the madam.

"And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy.
"Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean."
The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.
"One dirty girl, coming up," she says.

The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?"

The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna ***** her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and ***** her and HE'S going to get the herpes.

Then when my dad gets home, he's going to ***** my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and ***** my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY ***** FROG!"









Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 253 Like The Way You Think

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Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."



Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.




There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''



A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"



A father watched his five-year-old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They’re mating," her father replied. "That’s a Daddy
Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, daddy, that might be accepted in California and Massachusetts but we’re not having any of that here!!



Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."




There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. " how could you do this to me," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain about the toy, if you explain about the kids."




There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"



A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real {expletive Chuck Norris'd by Cspace} tonight, Dave."


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"





The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!




A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''

''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.
__________________





A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."




There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.



They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.


Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"



This is hella funny, my friend created this(or so he says)




So This guy gets a call from his Girlfriend one evening

"Hey I gotta talk to you about something"

He says "Ok"

"First order of business, my parents want to meet you so they have invited you to dinner tonight, and 2nd, tonight is your lucky night, because tonight were gonna have sex!"

He thinks to himself, "{expletive ninja'd by Cspace} yeah"

So he goes to the pharmacist. He has no idea what to buy, so he just buys up a lot of condoms.

He goes up to pay for it and the pharmacist says:
"Big night tonight?"

He replies:
"you have no idea!"


He gets to his girlfriends house, and their sitting at dinner. They say a prayer and begin eating. His girlfriend notices that Her boyfriend still has his head down...
She says:
"I didnt know your this religious"



He replies:
"I didnt know your dad was a Pharmacist"



A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very
serious health risks.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across
an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,
he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young
lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can
have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to
have his way with her. After they are rested and she leaves, he
thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but
when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the
same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he
weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order
the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on
the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years.

"The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine".




Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"





50 Fun Things To Do In A Final

...that does not matter (i.e., you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam).

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at maximum level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs." Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say ,"They've found me, I have to leave the country," and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a bad case of Tourrette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc.).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out, "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e., threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk. ("Completely drunk" means that at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge On The River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase, "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"



50 FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1998 13:04:01 -0500

50 FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.


A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!" So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."




A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband.

"Honey," the wife said, "if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "Never, my dear."

The wife said, "I''m sure you would."

So the husband said, "Okay, I would"

"Would you let her sleep in our bed?" the wife asked.

And the husband replied, "I suppose so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

"I doubt she''d want to," the husband said. "She''d be so much thinner."




101 THINGS DURING SEX TO SAY

. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?




Dear Management,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
The Penis




Dear Penis,
After assessing your request:
You do not work eight hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management



Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

=====================================================


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.










Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an {expletive hax0rd by Cspace}.
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
* JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Lemieux . . .He Shoots..He..Scores!
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
* Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
* GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
* Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
* Honk If You Want To See My Finger.





Fun With Cops


(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.
*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.
*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."
*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.
*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.
*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.
*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."
*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."
*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.
*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.
*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.
*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."
*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.
*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.
*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, "I've got one too!"
*Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."
*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.
*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.
*Ask him what he is doing out so late.
*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.
*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.
*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.
*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.
*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.
*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.
*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.
*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.
*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter "If I don't see you I can't get a ticket."
*Throw cans of Spam at him.
*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.
*Say to him "Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!"
*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...
* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.
* When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.
* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.
*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.
*Keep his pen.
*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.
*Say "Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet."
*Instead of pleading the fifth amendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.
Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick.
Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.





























Presently viewing: Things You'd Love to Say at Work!
Audience: General Humor Rating: 5 / 5 Category: Work/School Type: Lists/Top10

Things You’d Love to Say at Work!
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be………..?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!……..Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder. My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Jokes to laugh over!!!


A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."




When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the {expletive hax0rd by Cspace} spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the {expletive hax0rd by Cspace} being the Boss. So the {expletive hax0rd by Cspace} went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the {expletive hax0rd by Cspace} should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the {expletive hax0rd by Cspace}!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any {expletive hax0rd by Cspace} will do.





Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."




1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a {expletive Chuck Norris'd by Cspace} like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like {expletive hax0rd by Cspace}. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?




One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."





Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''





Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.
So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."

Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."




A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."









One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”


Kill the Anthropologist
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''



Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background
Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos
Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister
Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best
For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me
You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust
Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You
I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister?s Derriere
The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions
The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant
A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother
For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555
Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment
The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate
Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore"
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual
Your Father?s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock
President Bush is Missing a Chromosome
The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
\



Birdie Poem

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.








How To Clean A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''powerwash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog
Some More Bad Children's Books

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with their Clothes Off!
Scab Football
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
1,001 Ways To Sterilize Daddy
Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear Gets Caught in a Fur Trap and has to Chew His Own Leg Off to Escape
Substitutes for Penis Pumps -- A Boy's Key to Success

50 insane things to do at a mall

99 insane ways to order a pizza
- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

- Use CB lingo where applicable.

- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

- Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

- Answer their questions with questions.

- In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

- Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

- Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

- Stutter on the letter "p."

- Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

- Ask what the order taker is wearing.

- Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

- Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

- Change your accent every three seconds.

- Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

- Start your order with "I'd like . . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

- Rent a pizza.

- Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

- Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "I" sound.

- Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

- Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

- Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

- Imitate the order taker's voice.

- Eliminate verbs from your speech.

- When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

- Play a sitar in the background.

- Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

- Ask to see a menu.

- Quote Carl Sandberg.

- Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

- Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

- Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

- Psychoanalyze the order taker.

- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

- Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

- Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

- Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

- Report a petty theft to the order taker.

- Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

- Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

- Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

- Try to talk while drinking something.

- Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"

- Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

- Be vague in your order.

- When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

- If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

- After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

- Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

- State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

- Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

- Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

- Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

- Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

- Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

- Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

- Put them on hold.

- Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

- Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

- When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

- Haggle.

- Order a one-inch pizza.

- Order term life insurance.

- When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

- Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

- Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

- Engage in some serious swapping.

- Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

- Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

- If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

- Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

- Order a steamed pizza.

- Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

- Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
Weird things to ponder
1. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
2. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
3. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
4. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
5. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
6. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
7. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
8. Did anyone see my lost carrier?
9. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
11. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
12. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
13. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
14. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
15. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
16. Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
17. There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
18. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
19. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
20. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
21. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
22. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
23. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Double your drive space - delete Windows!
24. What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
25. Assassins do it from behind.
26. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
27. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
28. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
29. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
30. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
31. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
32. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
33. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
34. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
35. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
36. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
37. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
38. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
39. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
40. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
41. All generalizations are false, including this one.
42. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
43. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
44. I may not know what I'm doing, but I know how to do it.
45. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
46. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
47. "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
48. Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
49. it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
50. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
51. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
52. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
53. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
54. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
55. I had amnesia once or twice.
56. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Disturbing things to do at a movie

Things to do when you're bored
-Wax the ceiling
-Rearrange political campaign signs
-Sharpen your teeth
-Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Braid your dog's hair
-Clean and polish your belly button
-Water your dog...see if he grows
-Wash a tree
-Knight yourself
-Name your child Edsel
-Scare Stephen King
-Give your cat a mohawk
-Purr
-Mow your carpet
-Play Pat Boone records backwards
-Vacuum your lawn
-Whine
-Rake your carpet
-Re-elect Richard Nixon
-Critique "Three's Company"
-Listen to a painting
-Play with matches
-Buff your cat
-Race ferrets
-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange
-Have a formal dinner at White Castle
-Read Homer in the original Greek
-Change your mind
-Learn Greek
-Change it back
-Watch the sun...see if it moves
-Stand on your head
-Build a pyramid
-Stand on someone else's head
-Spit shine your Nikes
-See how long you can stay awake
-Paint your teeth
-See how long you can sleep
-Wear a salad
-Speak with a forked tongue
-Get your dog braces
-Shave a shrub
-Have a proton fight
-Watch a car rust
-Quiver
-Rotate your carpet
-Learn to type...with your toes
-Set up your Christmas tree in April
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
-Be someone special
-Mail it to a friend
-Go back to square one
-Factor your social security number
-Take the fifth
-Memorize a series of random numbers
-Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
-Join the Foreign Legion
-Learn Sanskrit
-Exist...existentially, of course
-Print counterfeit Confederate money
-Kick a cabbage
-Take a picture
-Sandpaper a mushroom
-Put it back
-Play solitaire...for cash
-Abuse your patio furniture
-Run for Pope
-Count to a million...fast
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
-Revert
-Think shallow thoughts
-Sleep on a bed of nails
-Boil ice cream
-DON'T toss and turn
-Run around in squares
-Think of quadruple entendres
-Speak in acronyms
-Have your pillow X-rayed
-Drink straight shots...of water
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown
-Give your goldfish a perm
-Fly a brick
-Play tag...on 35W
-Exorcise a ghost
-Be blue
-Exercise a ghost
-Be red
-Paint stripes on a lake
-But don't be orange
-Ski Kansas
-Sleep in freefall
-Kill a Joule
-Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
-Apply for a unicorn hunting license
-Do a good job
-Crawl
-Invite the Mansons over for dinner
-Paint your windows
-Watch a watch until it stops
-Flash your goldfish
-Paint
-Flirt with an evergreen
-Smile
-Rotate your garden...daily
-Paint a smile
-Shoot a fire hydrant
-Pretend you're blind
-Apologize to it
-Plant a shoe
-Sweat
-Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
-Turn
-Take your sofa for a walk
-Write a letter to Plato
-Start
-Mail it
-Stop
-Dial 911 and breathe heavily
-Go to a funeral...tell jokes
-Play the piano...with mittens on
-Starch your shoes
-Polish your Calvin's
-Contemplate a cockroach
-Get a dog to chase your car
-Investigate the Czar
-Let him catch it
-Form a political party
-Climb a sidewalk
-Have a political party
-Get diagonal...with a good friend
-Ride a loaf of bread
-Sharpen a carrot
-Interrogate a gerbil
-Annoy yourself
-Get mad at yourself
-Stop speaking to yourself
-Be a side effect
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley
-Duck
-Redecorate...your garage
-Develop a complex
-Join the Army...be someone simple
-Try harder
-Hit the deck
-Put legwarmers on your furniture
-Cut the deck
-Scheme
-Sit
-Water your family room
-Stay
-Cause a power failure
-Roll over
-Wriggle
-Play dead
-Donate your brother's body to science
-Find a witch
-Ask why
-Burn her
-Regress
-Sleepwalk without sleeping
-Go bow hunting for Toyotas
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
-Jump back
-Play to lose
-Scalp a street light
-Have your car painted...plaid
-Read a tomato
-Sharpen your sleeping skills
-Watch a game show...take notes
-Put out a fire
-Interview a cloud
-If you can't find a fire, make one
-Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
-Play basketball...in a minefield
-Crumple
-Translate Shakespeare into English
-Skydive to church
-Cheer up a potato
-Do aerobic exercises...in your head
-Play cards with your swimming pool
-Pinstripe your driveway
-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
-Harness chipmunk power
-Build a house with ice cubes
-Call London for a cab
-Mug a stop sign
-Change your name...daily
-Go for a walk in your attic
-Challenge your neighbor to a duel
-Try to join Hell's Angels by mail
-Wonder
-Be a square root
-Ask stupid questions
-Weld your car doors shut
-Spew
-Vacation at Three-Mile Island
-Surf Ohio
-Teach your pet rock to play dead
-Go bowling for small game
-Be a monk...for a day
-Wear a sweatband to your wedding
-Staple
-Run away
-Intimidate a piece of chalk
-Abuse the plumbing
-Bend a florescent light
-Bend a brick
-Annoy total strangers
-Don't talk to things
-Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling
-Have your cat bronzed
-Have your gerbil gilded
-Write books about writing books
-Create random equations
-Mispell words
-Tell your feet a joke
-Throw a tomato into a fan
-Sing the ABC song backwards
-Pretend you're a dog
-Dial-a-prayer and argue with it
-Grease the doorknobs
-String up a room
-Stack furniture
-Relive fond memories
-Tie your shoelaces together
-Gargle
-Count your teeth with your tongue
-Decay
-Find your half-life
-Build a house out of toothpicks
-Howl
-Wear a lampshade on your head
-Memorize the dictionary
-Stomp grapes in the bathtub
-Find a bug and chase it
-Make yourself a pair of wings
-Be immobile
-Dance 'til you drop
-Check under chairs for chewing gum
-Squish a loaf of bread
-Moo
-Bounce a potato
-Outmaneuver your shadow
-Climb the walls
-Appreciate everything
-Challenge yourself to a duel
-Believe in Santa Claus
-Let the best man win
-Throw marshmallows against the wall
-Hold an ice cube as long as possible
-Adopt strange mannerisms
-Blow up a balloon until it pops
-Sing soft and sweet and clear
-Open everything
-Sing loud and sour and gravelly
-Balance a pencil on your nose
-Pour milk in your shoes
-Write graffiti under the rug
-Embarass yourself
-Grind your teeth
-Chew ice
-Count your belly button
-Sit in a row
-Stack crumbs
-Gesture
-Save your toenail clippings
-Make a pass at your blender
-Punt
-Make up words that start with X
-Make oatmeal in the bathtub
-Search for the Lost Chord
-Chew on a sofa cushion
-Sing a duet
-Balance a pillow on your head
-Hold your breath
-Faint
-Stretch
-Flash your mailman
-Teach your TA English
-Learn to speak Farsi
-Swear in Russian
-Use an eraser until it goes away
-Disassemble your car
-Record your walls
-Put it together inside out
-Interview your feet
-Make a list of your favorite fungi
-Sell formaldehyde
-Make napalm
-Tattoo your dresser
-Watch a bowling ball
-Buy some diapers
-Eat everything
-Begin
-Pour milk in the sink
-Make cottage cheese
-Tie-dye your sheets
-Hold your earlobes
-Carpet your ceiling
-Fold your earlobes
-Flap
-Squak
-Read tea leaves
-Analyze the Koran
-Be Buddah
-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
-Plug in the cat
-Turn on everything
-Drop pebbles down the chimney
-Turn off your neighbor
-Kill a plant
-Buy a 1931 Almanac
-Memorize the weather section
-Think lewd thoughts about yourself
-Peel grapes
-Send chills down your spine
-Make paper from the skins
-Blow bubbles
-Bloat
-Catch them with your radiator
-Get run over by a train of thought
-Make up famous sayings
-Bite your pinkie
-File your teeth
-Design a better toilet seat
-Shred a newspaper
-Scratch
-Have a headache
-Sniff
-Hatch an egg
-Memorize the phone book
James Additions
Make love to lipstick
Dance with a chair
Poop on the coffee table
Stick out your tongue
Play with your earlobe
Beat on a can of play dough
Slap a wet noodle
Watch paint dry
Paint your tongue
Arrange your closet
Buy cheese
Make friends with your sock
Talk to yourself
Speak French
Love a fish
Program a virus
Lick a wall
Play ball with a living cookie
Resurrect a dead insect
Hold funeral services for you cheerios
Turn your clock an hour back
Rub a piece of bread
Paste buttons to your wall
Remove your doors
Give yourself plastic surgery
Play war with your bacon and eggs
Count grains of sugar
Talk to your toilet
Buy a lollypop
Try on a diaper
Try on a piece of shrimp
Microwave your hand
Start a band
Sell tickets to your dogs circumcision
Steal a car
Steal your own car
Hold yourself for ransom
Fluff up a sausage
Paste macaroni to your forehead
Kill a lightbulb
Challenge your pillow to a battle to the death
glue marshmallows in your hair
Fart on your house



More great jokes

Fun things to put on your answering machine


Nice lil things:

Why is cheating considered cheating....
Couldn't it just be considered curiosity...

I was standing in the park, wondering why Frisbees
got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.

(Name), I love you so mu-…Wow! A bird!



Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."





























































Hold the Mayo

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfrend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce,lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonaise in my eye!"



Stumbling and Mumbling

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog. The man stops her and asks, "Hey where'd ya get the pig?" The woman replies, "Listen you drunken {expletive run over by Cspace}, that's a dog not a pig." The man then said, "Take it easy, I was talking to the dog"


















King JESUS

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin some jewerly out of a jewerly box. Out of nowhere he hears, "Jesus is watchin you." He looks around, but doesn't see anything, so he goes into the next room. He starts looking around in the dressers and closets, then hears the same voice again, "Jesus is watchin you." Hegets a little scared so he starts sneaking around the house to search for the voice when he hears it again, "Jesus is watchin you." He follows the voice and it leads him to a bird cage. He sees the bird and asks, "Did you say that?" The bird replied, "Yes" "What is your name little bird?" "Moses" "What kind of retarded people name their birds Moses?" The bird smiles, "The kind of people who name there rottweiler Jesus!"



Gold Digger

Yo mama is so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washingtons nose!



Blow pop

You''re so gay, you could sit on a lollipop and guess its flavor.



1.Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted. ~The Oregonian~
2.What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. ~Robert Wise~
3.Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afaid not" ~The Oregonian~
4.Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. ~Josh Tallman~
5.A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup" ~Pulp Fiction~
6.A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knake Patty Wha c give the frog a loan". ~Wakk0 Warner~
7.3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday". ~Eric K.~
8.A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" ~Alecia Wolf~
9.How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut... ~Phil Napier~
10.Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts! ~Bob Kelly~
11.A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all t he information will be there.
The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a ba shfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex". ~Bob Kelly~
12.why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.~drtbike~
13.What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.~XYTrapp~
14.Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.~XYTrapp~
15.What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.~John Stoffer~ (Sorry Barbra I herd it from him first
16.Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"~Lardass~
17.Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?~Neil Heiman~
18.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!~d.j.w.~
19.A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"~Paul G.~
20.Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.~Howard Burgess~
21.A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."~Howard Burgess~
22."Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."~Howard Burgess~
23.What's brown and sticky? A stick.~Howard Burgess~
24.A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"~Stuart Davidson~
25.How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.~Jim Molinari and Sammy~
26.How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.~Corey Jones~
27.What did the cannibal do when he saw an 'All you can eat restaurant'? He had two waiters and a busboy.~Corey Jones~
28.Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.~Corey Jones~
29.What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room~Corey Jones~
30.Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked.~Shaun Haapala, Daniel L. Miller, and John Stoffer~
31.What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....~Ernest D. Aguayo~
32.Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.~Taryn Anderson~
33.Whatdaya call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. Whatdaya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway... ~John Braden~
34.A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.~Ken Attebery and Marc Kletke~
35.What's big and brown and walks through walls? Spooky Dooky.~Jay Everett~
36.Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!~Jim Luettgen~
37.Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"~Robert David Cox~
38.One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic. The man said chief you have to get over her my house is on fire. The chief says calm down, how do we get to your house, and the man said you don't have those big red trucks anymore!~Anthony Makoski~
39.Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?~Tony~
40.What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic.~unkown~
41.What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those damn wheelchairs.~unkown~
42.There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.~T. Blase~
43.Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.~Jen V.~
44.What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.~Jen V.~
45.What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.~Kathy Nicol~
46.Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.~Matt and Roxy~
47.What is the famous last words in surgery? Ouch!!~Matt and Roxy~
48.There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."~Matt and Roxy~
49.A traveling salesman was driving down a country road when a rabbit ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was sitting on the fence watching. The salesman gets out of his car and opens the trunk. He then removes an aerosol can and sprays the contents on the dead rabbit. The next thing you know the rabbit gets up and hops about 20 ft. down the road, turns and waves to the salesman, goes another 20 ft. and waves to the salesman. The salesman looks at the farmer and says "he'll be ok ay now." The salesman gets into his car and leaves. The farmer wondering what's going on walks over to the ditch where the salesman threw the can, picks it up and read the label which said FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.~Chuckles~
50.What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.~Jim Spurrier~
51.A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.~Dave Large~
52.What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.~Cohen and Tate~
53.Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the oth er: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"~John A. Judgate~
54.Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"~Guest 7~
55.A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."~Mr. Ed~
56.How do you turn a cat into a dog? You tie up the cat, pour gasoline on it, light a match and watch him go WOOF!!!! How do you turn a dog into a cat? You tie up the dog, getan electric saw to cut him, and watch him go MEOWWWWW!!!!!! ~John Christoper Rey~
57.How do you get Dragon milk? From a cow with short legs.~Allen Smith~
58.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.~Ed Kim~
59.What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet~Timothy J. Tate~
60.Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.~Sandra Johnson~
61.Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.~Jon Smith~
62.What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.~Jon Smith~
63.What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.~Steve Hagstrom~
64.An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"~Wendy~
65.What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated.~The Oregonian~
66.How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose the trailer.~The Oregonian~
67.Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland"~The Oregonian~
68.Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!~Emily Christain~
69.What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.~Yatin~
70.Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"
~Sandberg~
71.What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!~Preston & Tony~
72.A couple cannot wait to be married. They are driving home and hit a patch of ice, crash, die and go right to heaven. Appearing before Saint Peter, they tell him, "Saint Peter, we couldn't wait to get married, Could you get us married here in heaven ." Saint Peter pauses and says, "I'll see what I can do." Time passes and Saint Peter calls the couple to his office and tells them, "I have some good news, you are going to be married." They are married and are so happy. As time goes on, they go back to see Saint Peter. They tell him, "we want a divorce. This marriage isn't what we thought it would be. We can't stand it." Saint Peter responds,"give me a break, it took me 10 years to find a priest to marry you, it will take me forever to find you a lawyer."~Father Joseph Sica!
73.famous last words of a mafia hit man... "who put the violin in the violin case !"~Dhiraj~
74.Did you hear about the Barbie doll; it's called Divorce Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's stuff.~The Riddler~
75.What do you do if you see a person having an epilepsy attack in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in quick!~unknown~
76.How do you kill a blue elephant? Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.~Got this one from a ton of people~
77.What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.~Craig White~
78.How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.~Craig White~
79.How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.~FSUFAN~
80.What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.~FSUFAN~
81.How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?~FitzEbaby~
82.What do you call a man with a pint of beer on his head? Beartrix~Lousie-Kate~
83.What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt~Lousie-Kate~
84.Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?~RugRat~
85.What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!~Anita~
86.Didya hear about the procter and Gamble worker who fell in the vat of lotion? He softened to death~krlc~
87.Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a chinese guy run over by a truck? The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.~Darcy~
88.Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!~Katherine~
89.Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!~Candy Leeb~
90.Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!~Alice~
91.Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!~Alice~
92.How do you greet a 2-headed monster? Hello, Hello~Spencer~
93.What do you do when you are inside an elephant? Run around and run around til you're all pooped out.~unknown~
94.I once had a diamond but I took it for granite.~David~
95.what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob~David~
96.what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art~david
97.What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"~Mark~
98.What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated~The Oregonian~
99.How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose a trailer~The Oregonian~
100.Have you heard of about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland."~The Oregonian~
101.How do you make pizza? Stick a leper next to a fan.~Giles~
102.What's the ultimate doom for a leper? An epileptic fit.~Giles~
103.Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.~Bob M.~
104.What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk 'em and then pitch to the rhino.~Jafo~
105.This guy has been working at the local grocery store for over two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker Arty s tart talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers headline read, " Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods".~Jafo~
106.A young man comes into the doctors and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies, "Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my parents are. For example, one day my mother wanted some Ice Cream, so she went out to get so me. But my father stopped her, telling her that he would get some. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it down'. 'no', he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says. He leaves, come s back half an hour later, gives his wife a bag. "What!" she scrams. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!"~Shane Conway~
107.What did the grapes say when the monks stepped on them? Nothing - they just let out a little whine.~Wonko the Sane~
108.Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Every time his wife is in heat he hits her over the head with his shovel.~Joe Burke~
109.What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.~Jonathon Waunch~
110.Once apon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilema: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over nate and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever...~Sean Ruppert~
111.When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.~Mirjana Calnan~
112.Why Did The skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!~unknown~
113.Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube (beef stock cube)? Made a laughing stock of himself!~Henry Dermot~
114.This man has this dog that has no legs. One day someone asked him "Whats wrong with your dog?" And the man said... "What are you blind or something? He has no legs." Oh well what is it's name? Well I call it cigarette. Why in the world do you call it cigarette? Well because sometimes I like to take it out for a drag~Nathan Chambers~
115.How did Hitler tie his shoes? In littel nazi's~William Noah~
116.What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.~Chuck Chatlynne~
117.A man left his beef ranch to his three sons and they named it "Focus" because that's there the sun's rays meet (sons raise meat).~Chuck Chatlynne~
118.Two blondes were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks! The other one argued, "No silly! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought over it. Two hours later they were both killed by a train.~Brittany Sale~
119.What did the clown say when he cracked an egg on his head? Yuk, yuk, the yolk's on me.~Connie Settle~
120.What does a one leggeged ballerina wear. A one one~Kevin C. McCabe
121.What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.~unknown~
122.What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.~Eric Prestel~
123.How did the teenager know that he had bad acne? His dog called him spot.~Eric Prestel & Will & Carlos~
124.What's the biggest advanage of being a cannibal abortionst? You do not have to go out for lunch.~Eric & gang~
125.A snail is returning home late at night and has to cut though a dark ally. As he is passing though, he is mugged by two slugs. Later on at the police station, the officer asks him,"Can you give me a desciption of the assailents?" The snail ponders thi s for a moment, and then replies," Gee, I'm not sure... it all happpened so fast."~Tony Jenkin~
126.What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)~unknown~
127.What does a lawyer use for Birth Control? His personality~Billy
128.Why are fish shops always crowded? Because the fish fillet!!!~Dermot Henry~
129.What's long, yellow, and has been out in the sun too long? A bananna peel.~Multiple Personality Girl~
130.A hillbilly walks into a feed store and stares at the fan. "Wowee," he says, "thet's the fastest dern squirrel I've ever seen!"~Multiple Personality Girl
131.Where do zombies go for relaxation? A dead ranch.~Multiple Personality Girl~
132.What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.~Multiple Personality Girl~
133.A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises."Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger. The man nods and keeps making the noises. The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?" The man replies "It keeps the eleph ants away." The stranger mentioned that there weren't any elephants for miles. The man smiled "See, it works!"~Multiple Personality Girl~
134.Have you ever seen an elf fly? It's at the top of elf pants.~Multiple Personality Girl~
135.If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee - holder.~Meredith and John~
136.What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.~Meredith and John~
137.What did the cannibal say when he first saw a skating rink? What do you know... People on the rocks!~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~
138.A chicken and a pig were knocking back a few beers at the tavern one night when the chicken said, "Hey, let's go into business together. We could open a ham-and-egg restaurant." "Not so fast," the pig replied. "For you it's just a day''s work. For me, it's a life-and-death proposition.~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~
139.Did you here about the nearsighted whale that followed the submarine? Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~
140.A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde out in a corn field sitting in a row boat just rowing away. She gets very upset and gets out of the car to tell her off . Its blondes like you that give all us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and Kick Your {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}!~Toonz~
141.Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues dissapear behind a bush. The bush commences rattiling and shaking like no ones business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God says "You've still g ot twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."~Jordan Jacobsen~
142.A salesman comes up to a farmer in his barnyard. Next to the farmer is a pig with three legs. As the pig hobbles around, the salesman says to the farmer, "That's terrible! Why don't you put that pig out of his misery?" The farmer drew a deep breat h and said, "Let me tell you about that pig. One night, my house caught fire and that pig ran through the house, woke everybody up and got us out safely." "That's no reason to let him suffer!", said the salesman. "That's true", said the farmer. "But t here's more. One day, my tractor flipped over. That pig ran back to the house and got help for me. He saved my life." "I'm sure he's very talented", said the salesman, "But look at him. He can hardly walk. Why don't you just take him to a vet and ha ve him put to sleep?" The farmer looked at the salesman and shook his head. "Listen buddy, if you had a pig that was that good, would you eat him all at once?"~Ruffy~
143.Why did the leppers have to quit playing hockey? Because there was a face off in the corner.~Paul Tetzloff~
144.Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.~Andrew Margerison~
145.What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.~James Turner~
146.What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.~James Turner~
147.Two biscuits walking down the street. One gets crushed by a passing car. The other one says "crumbs".~James Turner~
148.A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs his pint, puts the pork pie on his head and smashes it with his hand, then walks out, leaving the barman a little confused. The next day he comes back in, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs the pint, puts the pork pie on his head, smashes it with his hand and walks out, leaving the barman even more confused. The next day he comes in again and orders a pint and a pork pie but the barman, trying to figure him out, says "sorry, no pork pies" so the guy orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps instead, downs the pint, puts the packet of cheese and onion crisps on his head smashes them with his hand and is about to leave when the barman stops him and asks "why did you just smash that packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?" and the guy replies "because you didn't have any pork pies."~James Turner~
149.Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, b ut that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!"~MPG~< /LI>
150.Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland? Everyone would be sitting behind a pole!~Peter G. Harwood~
151.What time does a proctologist get up in the morning? At the crack of dawn.~Bill~
152.Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum that it COULD be done!~Lori Carson~
153.What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A dog that bights off your leg, then runs for help.~Jim Mckenzie~
154.What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.~The Rocker~
155.Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish! Have you ever seen an elephant in the M&M dish? See it works!~Amanda G.~
156.Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on.~Amanda~
157.Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Beause he saw his phone bill.~Amanda~
158.In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon." The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign, rather bewilder ed from this odd request, did as his captain ordered. Thought he battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Later that day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight." The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain. The next morning, the lookout sho uted, "Ten enemy ships on the horizon." The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, "Ensign, get me my brown pants."~Larry Davitz~
159.Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequilla! (to kill her)~A Feathered Friend~
160.How does a blind parachutist know when the ground is close? His guide dog's lead goes slack.~Murray Shields~
161.What's bright yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.~Murray Shields~
162.Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"~Murray Shields~
163.What looks like Blu-Tak, feels like Blu-Tak, tastes like Blu-Tak, but isn't Blu-Tak? Smurf poo.~Murray Shields~
164.Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever!
Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realised that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolph ins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds.
Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zoo keepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone t o sleep.
Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absent mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.~Murray Shields~
165.What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Somebody who lays awake wondering if there's a dog.~Hex Fiend~
166.What's better than finding Barney the Dinosaur in a gargage can? Finding him in TEN garbage cans!~Ziggee~
167.A guy goes to the shrink and says, "Doc, you gotta help me...I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee!" The Doctors says, "Just calm down, calm down, you're TWO TENTS!"~Anonymous~
168.Why were all the ink spots crying? Thier father was in the pen.~mcr~
169.What did the dog say to the tree? bark.~Dodger39~
170.A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barrtender says to him "Hey we have drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Murrry?" ~unknown~
171.Why was Tigger looking in the tiolet? To find Pooh ~unknown~
172.One day a priest was walking down a street when he saw a young boy jumping trying to reach a doorbell. The priest asked the boy if he needed help. The boy said yes. Then the priest asked what next. The boy replied "RUN LIKE HELL." ~Sarah~
173.A boy came home from school one day and his mother said that the office had called her and that he had been distracting the class all day long. So the mother takes her son upstairs to his room and looks at him sternly. Then she sighs and says: "okay, Johnny, Take off all my clothes. And I mean ALL of them." Johnny says: "Mom, do I have to??" and the mother says "yes." So Johnny takes off all her clothes and then the mother says: "Now you must promise never to wear my clothes to school again, John ny." ~Allison~
174.Why did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the iron. ~Stew~
175.What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ". ~David Vannucci~
176.Did you hear about the idiot who was in a spelling bee and was asked to spell Mississippi and the idiot said "which one? The river or the state? ~Carl Buchanan~
177.Did you hear the one about the idiot who drained his pool and his wife asked him why he did that and the idiot responded "I want to pratice diving but I don't know how to swim" ~Carl Buchanan~
178.Did you hear about the idiot who got a camera for his birthday? He just got back his first roll of film, twelve shots of his right eye. ~Carl Buchanan~
179.What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day. ~Holly~
180.Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower? That means he hids well. ~Alpha Echo~
181.What do you do if you see a spaceman?. Park your car in it man. ~David Whalley~
182.Why is the sea so rough? You'd be too if you had crabs on your bottom and clams in your bed! ~The Muppet's Movie~
183.Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputati on because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. ~Eric Bandy~
184.What was the centrepiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention? A cake jumping out of a girl. ~Daniel McMahon~
185.I was sitting at the bar, and the brunette sitting next to me rolled her eyes at me, so I picked them up and rolled them back. I decided to leave and go back to my apartment. When i got there, I decided to take the elevator upstairs. Gee it was heav y! I finally got into my room, and closed the door. I walked into the kitchen and heard a tap on the door. What a funny place to keep a tap. I glanced toward the window, and noticed a tall blonde walking past my window. I KNOW she was tall, because I live on the 3rd floor... ~Kyrsty~
186.Ok, the opposite of PRO is CON, right? So what's the opposite of progress? CONgress. ~Kyrsty~
187.Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on!!!!! ~Ryan Z.~
188.What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. ~Dar~
189.What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin? ~Steve Girard~
190.What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty. ~Steve Girard~
191.What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture. ~Mike Webb~
192.I was in the country one day. As I was walking, I saw this chicken cross the road. I was curious why the chicken crossed the road, so I ran to catch up to it. When I got to the chicken I asked it, "Why did you cross the road?" It said, "Buck-ah, bu ck, buck, buck-ah!" ~Patrick Carino~
193.Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies. ~Karen Williams~
194.What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes! ~unknown~
195.This joke is a REAL long one so I have it's VERY OWN PAGE devoted to it and only it. -->The Joke<--
196.What do they call the plastics in the White House? Tipperware. ~April Marquet~
197.Poo Poo Boudreaux and Poo Poo Tibideaux were coming up a inlet in their motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish. Seeing as how their luck was pretty piss poor today, Boudreaux asked the fisherman what his secret was. He said, "Jes go ou t to sea until the water gets fresh. Stop there and drop yer line." Excited, Boudreaux fired up the motor and headed out to sea. When they got a little ways out, he told Tibideaux to fill up a bucket and taste the water. Tibedeaux complied and said, "It's still salty Boudreaux!" Boudreaux went further out and told Tibideaux to taste the water again. Tibideaux said the same thing, "It's still salty Boudreaux!" This went on for hours... Finally it was starting to get dark, and they were in the middle of now here, when Boudreaux said to taste the water one last time. Tibideaux replied, "But Boudreaux, there's no more water in the bucket!" ~Jeff Mills~
198.Why does the name"Edward Woodward" have 4 'd's? 'Cos his name would be Ewar Woowar! ~Malcolm~
199.Three friars were banished from their monastery for strange behavior and various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral bus iness was soon thriving.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of tow n. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a coup le weeks later, another woman was walking through the friars shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." And all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into thefloral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was nouse. A large dandelion wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar' s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home.
Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and s aid, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and stupid plants and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~Phil Repino~
200.A man is in a mental institution, and after 5 years he can take a test to see if he can leave. They call him in and ask him to name his body parts. He says "finger, hand, wrist, knee....", but points to his elbow when he says "knee". He fails, and five years later he comes back again. He says "finger, wrist, elbow, shoulder, bellybutton....." but points to his nose, not his bellybutton. He fails again, and he also fails the next four tries. Finally after 30 years he comes in and says "finger, han d, wrist, elbow, shoulder, eye, nose, mouth." So they let him leave, but before he goes they ask how he did it this time. The man points to his head and says "I used my kidneys." ~Adam Bishop~
201.What did the crypt keeper say? Let's go chopping!! ~Nanette Lai~
202.How to you organize a spacey party? You planet. ~Nanette Lai~
203.How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introducktion. ~Geoff VanHerwaarden~
204.What do you call a person with nothing to do?...WAKKO (I personnally like this one... of corse if it was true it wouldn't take me 6 months to update my pages ~Geoff VanHerwaarden~
205.How do you catch a rabbitt? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises. ~Stewart~
206.Let me know when the list is updated. Here's the joke: Why don't lepers play poker? Because they can only throw their hands in once. ~Tim Alm~
207.What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!! ~Sir James of Steele~
208.Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas! ~Sir James of Steele~
209.Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas! ~Sir James of Steele~
210.What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies! ~Sir James of Steele~
211.Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies! ~Sir James of Steele~
212.What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing. ~unknown~
213.There was this old lady and old man. The poor man couldn't hear very well, so he depended on his wife to interpret for him. One day, while they were at the doctor's office, the nurse asked the man to take off his shirt. He asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your shirt!". Then the nurse said, "You need to remove your pants." The old guy asked his wife again, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your pants!" Then the nurse said, "Excuse me sir, but we need a stool sample and a urine sample". Again he asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife said, "They want your underwear!.." ~unknown~
214.Whats round and red and goes up and down? A cranberry on an elevator. ~unknown~
215.If a athlete get's athete's foot wha does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe. ~Kim~
216.Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear" ~Kim~
217.What do you do with two pieces of bread in the desert? Make a sandwhich! ~Sean Ohlenkamp~
218.Did you hear that the Governors mansion in West Virginia burnt down. All the way down to the axel! ~Gail~
219.Why did the boat go to the doc? he was sick. ~unknown~
220.Once upon a time, there was a small village called Trid nestled in chain of huge mountains. The peasents who lived in this town were very poor (as peasents usualy are) because every year the king sent his tax collector out to take almost all of the f ood that the peasents grew. One year, when the tax collector went to retreive his annual tax, none of the peasents had any food at all, claiming that the giant who lived in the mountains had stolen all that they had. Being unable to collect the taxes, (o r to find anything else worth taking) the tax collector returned to the king to bring him the news that there would be no taxes this year and to relay the story of the giant in the mountains. When the king of Trid heard of this he was outraged and order ed 100 of his bravest soldiers to go to the mountains, slay the giant, and bring back the lost crops. The soldiers began to march up a steep mountain path, but before they had gone too far, the giant appeared from around a corner and kicked all of the so diers off a nearby cliff. Only one soldier escaped death and he, being a good soldier, returned quickly to the king and told him of their misfourtions, after which he died of internal injuries. The king was now even angrier, and ordered 200 soldiers, le d by a preist, to march up the mountain and recover the crops. The soldiers instanly set off up the steep path, but around the same corner the giant came again and kicked all of the soldiers (and the preist) off the cliff. Once agin, one man returned t o the king to retell his sad story. The King of Trid was now FURIOUS and orderd 500 soldiers, led by a rabbi, to attempt the same mission. Once again the solders reached the cliff and were greeted by the horendous giant kicking them off the cliff. Every body was knocked off execept for the old rabbi, who watched the others meet their demise and then saw the giant turn to walk away. "Giant," the rabbi called, "why have you killed all of these men but spared me, an old rabbi?" The giant turned again, walke d to the rabbi and gently patted him on the head as he said, "Silly rabbi, Kicks are for Trids." ~Drew Courtney~
221.The Hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on vacation, so he put an add in the newspaper for a temp bell ringer. Well, weeks and weeks go by, and there the hunchback is, sitting on the bottom of the steps woeing his bad luck, when a short man with no a rms walks up to him and says: "Excuse me, but are you the hunchback who needed the bell ringer?" "Why yes I am, but how can you ring the huge bell, you have no arms?" "Let me show you, its amazing." said the little man. So up and up they go to the ve ry top of Notre Dame. And the little man walks to the very last possible inch and runs, face first, into the bell. "BANG!" went the bell. "WOW!" went the Hunchback."Can you do it again?" "Sure," said the little man. So he runs to the last possible inch a nd starts to run back. But the bell was still swinging, and right as the little man is about to run into it, it swang out of the way and the little man fell though the hole, all the way down into the street below. "Oh no, now I'll never get my vacation" s aid the Hunchback as he ran back down the stairs. By the time he got all the way down, the police had arrived. The detective asked the Hunchback if he new the name of the victim of the fall. "No, but his face sure rings a bell" ~XenaInTraining~
222.What kind of milk makes you blink? Past eur ized ~Shannarra~
223.What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands." ~unknown~
224.How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets. ~Gord Goudie~
225.Why does an elephant lie on the ground with its legs up in the air? To Trip Birds!! ~Win Graham~
226.A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!" ~Pat Nutter~
227.One day there was a guy named Mack. All his friends called him "Big Mack" because of his size. Mack had always wanted to be a bus driver, and one day his dream came true. He finally became one. They gave him his bus, which was yellow. When he saw it, he asked the boss "Can I paint it a bit, make it look better?" and the boss said he could. So he painted Sesame Street Characters all over the bus and off he went on his first route. His first passenger was a young, pale boy of about 8. When he stopped, Mack said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The young boy said "Oh hello, I'm Paul, but all my friends call me 'Special Paul' because they think I'm special". The boy got on the bus and Mack kept driving. At the next stop there were 2 really fat, obese ladies. When he stopped he said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The ladies introduced themselves as Patty and Patty (2 patty's). They got on the bus and away they went. At the next stop was this punk guy. When Mack stopped he said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The Punk said "Yeah Hi, I'm Lester, But people call me Lester Sneeze because I sneeze a lot." He got on the bus and away they went. Everything was going fine until Lester pulled out his knife and started to pick the Bunyins off his foot and fling them at the Paul. Paul got really scared and ran under the seat where the 2 Obese Patty's where. They didnt know what was happening and started to scream, and then Paul started crying and then Lester started picking his bunyins and flinging them at the 2 Patty's and Paul. Mack got really confused and didnt know what to do, so he ran off the bus and to the phone booth. He put his money in and called his boss. When he picked up, Mack said "HEY! I GOT A PROBLEM!!! I HAVE TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES SPECIAL PAUL AND LESTER CHEESE PIKCING BUNYINS ON A SESAME STREET BUS!!!!!" ~Andrew~

•Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN!"
•Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
•Yo momma so fat were in her right now
•Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
•Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
•Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
•Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her...
•Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world
•Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
•Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
•Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
•Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
•Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
•Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
•Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
•Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
•Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
•Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
•Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
•Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
•Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
•Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
•Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
•Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
•Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
•Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
•Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
•Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
•Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, LA, Chicago...
•Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
•Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
•Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
•Yo momma so fat you have to roll her {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} in flour and look for the wet spot to have sex with her
•Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side!
•Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
•Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
•Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
•Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
•Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
•Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
•Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
•Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
•Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
•Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
•Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
•Yo momma so fat that when she hauls {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}, she has to make two trips!
•Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
•Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
•Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
•Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
•Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!
•Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
•Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
•Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
•Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
•Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
•Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
•Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again.
•Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
•Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
•Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
•Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
•Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
•Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
•Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
•Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}
•Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
•Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
•Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
•Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
•Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
•Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
•Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
•Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
•Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
•Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
•Yo momma so fat that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
•Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized in the ocean.
•Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
•Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
•Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
•Yo momma so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
•Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
•Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
•Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
•Yo momma so fat she accidentally got a 747 caught in her teeth
•Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
•Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
•Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to GET OFF!!!
•Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
•Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development
•Yo momma so fat she won "Miss Bessie the Cow 94"
•Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
•Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck
YO MOMMA SO STUPID
•Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
•Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
•Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
•Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
•Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
•Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
•Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
•Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
•Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
•Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
•Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
•Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
•Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
•Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
•Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
•Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
•Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
•Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
•Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
•Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
•Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
•Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald’s!
•Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
•Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
•Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
•Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
•Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
•Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
•Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
•Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course
•Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler"
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
•Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
•Yo momma so stupid She went to Disney World and saw a sign that said "Disney World Left" so she went home.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said Levi's
YO MOMMA IS SO UGLY
•Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
•Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
•Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
•Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
•Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
•Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
•Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
•Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
•Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
•Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
•Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
•Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
•Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!
•Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
•Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
•Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
•Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
•Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
•Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
•Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
•Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
•Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
•Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
•Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
•Yo momma so ugly your dad's breath smells like crap because he would rather kiss her {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}.
•Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow
YO MOMMA SO OLD
•Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
•Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
•Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
•Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch'
•Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
•Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! •Yo momma so old she's in Jesus’ yearbook!
•Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
•Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
•Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
•Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
•Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
•Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything".
•Yo momma so old she was Jesus Wet Nurse
•Yo momma so old she’s blind from the big bang •Yo momma so old even God calls her mother!
YO MOMMA IS SO DIRTY
•Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bath water.
YO MOMMA'S NOSE
•Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
•Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinocchio look like a cat!
YO MOMMA IS SO GREASY
•Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a Band-Aid!
•Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
•Yo momma so greasy Exxon buys Oil from her
YO MOMMA'S TEETH
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
YO MOMMA IS SO LAZY
•Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
YO MOMMA IS SO SKINNY
•Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
•Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
•Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
YO MOMMA IS SO BALD
•Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help!
•Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind
•Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
YO MOMMA IS SO TALL
•Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
•Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
•Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
YO MOMMA IS SO FLAT
•Yo momma so flat she makes the wall jealous!
YO MOMMA'S GLASSES
•Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
•Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
YO MOMMA IS SO SHORT
•Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
•Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
•Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
•Yo momma so short she does back-flips under the bed.
•Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
•Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip
•Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick
YO MOMMA IS SO NASTY
•Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
•Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach
•Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left.
•Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
•Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bath water.
•Yo momma so nasty that her crap is glad to escape.
•Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
•Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
•Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place
•Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarantine since before she was born
•Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma
•Yo momma so nasty her teeth look like she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!!!
•Yo momma so nasty she has two pussies and they both stink.
•Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea
•Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her
YO MOMMA IS LIKE
•Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay
•Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
•Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
•Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
•Yo momma like a TV set, even a three year old can turn her on!
•Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
•Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
•Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
•Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
•Yo momma like a shotgun: one {expletive Chuck Norris'd by Cspace} and she blows!
•Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
•Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing
•Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
•Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
•Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
•Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
•Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
•Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
•Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
•Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
•Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
•Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
•Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
•Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size
YO MOMMA IS SO HAIRY
•Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rug burn at birth!
•Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples!
•Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
•Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
•Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
•Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
•Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker
YO MOMMA IS SO SLUTTY
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
•Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
•Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs"
•Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
•Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}" charity drive
•Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times.
•Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
•Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecoming Disease
•Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.
YO MOMMA HAS
•Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
•Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
•Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
•Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
•Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
•Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
•Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
•Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights.
•Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
•Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
•Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
•Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
YO MOMMA GOT
•Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
•Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
•Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo.
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
•Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
•Yo momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!!
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches.
•Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
•Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
•Yo momma got eyes in her butt talking about "Damn, did you see that crap?!"
YO MOMMA'S HOUSE
•Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
•Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
•Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!
•Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
YO MOMMA'S HAIR
•Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stitches.
•Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice.
YO MOMMA'S HEAD
•Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts.
•Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar.
•Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
•Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
MISCELLANEOUS
•Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
•Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
•Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
•Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
•Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
•Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
•Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
•Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
•Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
•Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
•Yo momma twice the man you are.
•Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
•Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
•Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
•Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
•Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
•Yo momma rouchy, the McDonald’s she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
•Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
•Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
•Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS "
•Yo momma threw a Frisbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet.
•Yo momma can wrestle a cow to the ground.
•Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
• If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} and make him walk backwards.
• It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!
• You were born out of your mother's {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} 'cos her {expletive hax0rd by Cspace} was too busy.
•I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
•I seen your mother downtown scrapping with a pigeon for a peanut.
•Yo dick is so small, you pee on your nuts




Learn to speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?


Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line

Man Falls Asleep At Church...
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.



Which Hole
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know
or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my {expletive hax0rd by Cspace}." And the idiot went to
Heaven.




Jackass
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In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!
64 Ways to Piss off a Cop
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1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"

2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.

3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.

5) Touch him.

6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.

7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8) Refer to him by his first name.

9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

10) When he says no, cry.

11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.

13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.

14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.

15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"

16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.

17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."

18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.

19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.

20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"

21) Trip and fall into him.

22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.

24) Chew on the pen, nervously.

25) Clean your ear with the pen.

26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....

28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.

29) Act like you are retarded.

30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.

31) Or mumble to yourself.

32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?

33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......

34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!

36) Ask if he watches Cops.

37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

38) Giggle if he did.

39) Talk to your hand.

40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.

41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.

42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.

44) Try to sell him your car.

45) Ask if you can buy his car.

46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.

47) Play with the siren.

48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.

50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.

51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.

54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.

56) Turn your head and whistle.

57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.

58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

60) Ask if you can see his gun.

61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.

62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

63) Tell him you like men in uniform.

64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.


Would You Kill My Wife
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A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"


Who Died the Worst Death?
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Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the {expletive run over by Cspace} hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the {expletive hax0rd by Cspace}. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."



The Screw...
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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"


Man Who Loved Baked Beans
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.



The Big Test
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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this
gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We
must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what
the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the {expletive run over by Cspace} to death with
the chair!"


Interesting Facts (With Interesting Comments)
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If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

Dad's Practical Jokes
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Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes
to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.
Now don't get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but
sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing
practical jokes.

This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep
over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our
cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat
doesn't? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at
the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this?
It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo.
He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna's pillow and pulls up the
blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.

I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting
up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink
two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed.
Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those
kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always
places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So
clean.

She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then
she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat's
poo. "Ooh, ooh, ooh," she screams. "Oh, look, disgusting. Foul.
Look what the cat's done on my pillow." Suddenly dad bursts into
the room. "What's up, girls?" he says with a silly grin on his
face. "What's all the fuss about?"

Anna is pulling a terrible face. "Look," she says in horror as
she points to the pillow.

Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. "Don't let a little thing
like that worry you," he says. He picks up the plastic poo and
pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. "D'licioush," he says
through closed lips.

"Aargh," screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws
up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.

Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. "It's okay," he
says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. "It's not real."
Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She
decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don't
blame her.

"Dad," I yell after Anna is gone. "I am never speaking to you
again." "Don't be such a baby," he says. "It's only a little
joke." It's always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to
stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the
trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds,
and Dracula's blood seeping out of dad's mouth. Some of the kids
think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate
it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And
Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But
each time I am so embarrassed.

And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the
school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants
to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house.
"Dad," I say. "No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her
father would never play practical jokes. She might not
understand." "No worries," says dad.

Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on
our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the
morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all
that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia
is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into
the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on
the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia
offers--yes--offers to do it.

Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in
the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. "The cat's on my
bed," she says. "But it doesn't matter. I like cats." She pulls
back the blankets. And screams. "Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo
on my pillow." She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad
bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over
and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and
pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin.
His face freezes over. "Are you looking for this?" I say. I hold
up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets
earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to
the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love
a good joke.
Category:
Misc: Other
Rating:
PG
By:
Chili Dog




By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."





Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister
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Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat






Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.


New Stud Rooster
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . .
look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now,
don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"

Signs...
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Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO


Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Category:
Misc: Other
Rating:
PG
By:
Scavenger



Hit the Floor!
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On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan


Top 10 Actual Email Addresses
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Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or
end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson =
mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the
problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people
to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved,
however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton
Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com




For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
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For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?
21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.
23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way.
24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need
it.
27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store
check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required
on it.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the
softness of the bread.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your
ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you'll have to
catch up.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you




Wash with holy water
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Four nuns died simultaneously in a car crash and arrived at the
pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "Have you ever
touched a penis?" "Yes, father," she replied, "I once touched a
man's penis with the very tip of my finger." "Swish that
offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "say a
prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised
land."

The second nun said, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis
with my whole hand." St. Peter instructed this second offending
girl to douse her entire hand in the holy water, say two prayers
begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.

As nun #3 approached, nun #4 shoved her aside, "Father," she
shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she
dunks her {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} in there, you've got another thing coming!"





Jesus is Watching You
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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus."






Driver's License
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A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out
of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't
talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,
"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't
want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about
her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you
have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.
It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you
everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old
you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you
know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how
much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy
got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."




Postcards from Honeymoon
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A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted




My son's more successful than yours.
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Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."



The Intercom
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a
blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!"




Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."




Actual Directions
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These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!


1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!"
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
"Do not turn upsode down"
(Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
"Product will be hot after heating"
(Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
(As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
(Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)






10 Words
10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.


More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots:

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of
safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery
News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in
their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted,
and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head
falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within
city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on
a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page
manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000
strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier
with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At
lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and
thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had
stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man
threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber
called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.




Flaming Gerbil
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Flaming projectile gerbil--Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told
bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City
Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki)
Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a
felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard
tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come
out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr.
Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set
fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second
degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil,
while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus
and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.

10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this
frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars
to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out the guy's {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the
said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into
Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas
in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are
those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the
Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this
make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome
relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something
like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top
five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they
were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think
I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac,
anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a
charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old
fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and
saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...







A group of guys are in a bar and one of them walks up to the
bartender and bets him $500 that he can piss in a beer mug from
across the bar and not spill a drop. Considering the odds of it
the bar tender agrees to the bet and sets the mug across from
the man on the bar. The man unzipped his pants and pulled his
dick out and began to focus on the mug. He starts to pee and he
pisses all over the bar, the customers and the bartender. And
the bar tender is laughing cause he just made $500. The bartender
says to the guy, "Where is my money?" And the guy walks back to
the table where his friends are and comes back smiling and lays
the money on the bar. The bartender is puzzled why the man was
smiling after losing $500 and asks the man, "Why are so happy
you lost the bet?" The man replies, "I might have lost the bet
with you, but I bet my buddies over there $2000 that I could piss
on you, your bar, and your customers and you'd laugh about it."






Most Embarrasing
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Can It Get More Embarrassing Than This? The following are two of
the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!" "The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams
of laughter." Amy Richardson-- Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited
my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have
time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend
and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." Tim Cahill--Poughkeepsie, New
York



Weight Loss Program
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A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that
his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees
is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what
they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign
hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If
you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he
takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are
through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself
with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the
next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough,
he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not
to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back
and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He
thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like
this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When
he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in
nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her
neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in
excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the
best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next
four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost
another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing
weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better
about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the
company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure,
sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program.
Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound
perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I
can catch you, I can have you."





Password
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A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting
to embarrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said,
"Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters
as a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"




The Lying Cop
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A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop
asks for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry
officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in
the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole
this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the
car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the
glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he
walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the
guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid
with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's
in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and
opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the
guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk.
The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop
had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you
I was speeding too!"





Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they
wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted
to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on
the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to
spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed
with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to
get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and mailed the picture to her parents.





Good Dog!
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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his
shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back
again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note
in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I
have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there
is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the
sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he
decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to
a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the
lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with
the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and
starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this
stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the
seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to
the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his
seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the
number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher,
by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels
thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,
moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs,
pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries
still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk
down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run,
and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the
path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter
of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against
it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits
at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you
doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace}. This is the second
time this week he's forgotten his key!"

One day, a guy finds out his wife is cheating on him. He goes to the balcony to scream at god and sees a guy hanging from the balcony railing. "That must be the scum!" He thought. He stepped on the man's fingers until the guy fell. Miraculously, he landed in a bush, and survived. The other man, getting really angry, took his refridgerator, and threw it off the balcony, onto the man in the bush. But, because of the strain from lifting the fridge, his heart gave out.

Well on that day, God was only letting people who had really bad last days into Heaven. So the man comes up to god and says, "Man, my last day was horrible. My wife was cheating on me, and I found the guy who she was with. He was hanging from the balcony, so I stepped on his fingers. He fell off, but he landed in a bush! So I dtropped my refridgerator on him, but then my heart gave out."

Okay, says God,"You may enter"

The next guy walks up and says, "Man, I had a horrible day. I was doing aerobics on my balcony, and I slipped. But luckily, I caught myself on the balcony below me. The this crazy guys steps on my fingers! I fell into a bush, but then he dropped his fridge on me!"

Okay, says God, " You may pass"

The third guy comes up and says," Man, my day was horrible. I was cheating on this guys wife, but he came in, so I hid in his fridge..."

[Cspace]

Good stuff