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How To Order A Pizza On The Phone

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Posted 15 May 2005 - 07:37 PM


When the pizza place asks where to deliver the pizza, give them their address. Insist that it's your address.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time !"

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza

Order a one-inch pizza

Sing your order to the tune of "Enter Sandman" by Metallica

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.
Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

Tell them to send a driver who can keep his mouth shut about anything he sees or hears

Use CB radio lingo when placing your order

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread"

Answer their questions with questions

Ask, "If I don't eat it all, can I return the unused portion for credit ?"

Ask if the drivers really carry less than $20 in change. When they confirm this, act disappointed and say, "Ok, well could you send two drivers ?"

Tell them you would like to see a copy of their restaurant inspection report

Say in a retarded voice, "I had pizza today, it had jello on it."

Ask them what toppings are best for someone who's constipated

Stop them in mid-sentence and tell them you'll call back after they've learned a little respect

As they start to repeat the order, say, "Oh wait just a second. I suppose I should get this on tape."

For bonus points, use these words in the conversation : Robust, Free-Spirited, Cost-Efficient, Ukrainainian Puce

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you

Make a list of exotic cuisine. Order them as toppings.

Ask them if you can rent a pizza

Order while using an electric knife sharpener

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead

Imitate the order taker's voice

Eliminate verbs from your speech

Play sitar in the background

Ask to see a menu

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town"

If the order taker suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words"

Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Hut, Take 1. and. . . . action !"

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza"

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica.
Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

If they answer the phone with their name, immediately use an obviously fake voice. Somewhere during the call, laugh and revert to your real voice. Say, "Geez, (Mike) you really don't know who this is do you ? I'm only in town for a few hours, but wanted to say, "Hi". See if you can get away for a few minutes, I'll be by right away." Hang up.

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you ?"

When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math"

Order with a Speak-n-Spell

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

Dance all around the word "pizza" Avoid saying it at all costs. If the order taker says it, say "Please don't mention that word".

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW !" when a bullet is fired.

Order a steamed pizza

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Order a Big Mac Value Meal

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation"

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder

Stutter on the letter "p"

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Change your accent every three seconds

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Order your pizza "shaken, not stirred"

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream good-bye at the top of your lungs.

When they say "What would you like ? say, "Huh ? Oh, you mean now ?"

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Ask what the order taker is wearing

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza. Argue about it.

Shout "I'm through with men/women ! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston !"

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I ? Who are you ?"

Psychoanalyze the order taker

Say that you're calling from the regional office. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor that he's fired.

Call to complain about service. Then later, call to say you were drunk.

Ask for the guy who took your order last time

Wonder aloud if you should trim your nose hairs

Try to talk while drinking something the whole call

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. You know, like is there a warranty, or can you purchase a service contract ?

Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Detect the order taker's psychic aura.

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Put them on hold

Teach the order taker a secret code. Use code on all subsequent orders.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat". When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Get the order taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so". Hang up.

Hesitatingly ask them how you can be sure they'll really deliver it ?

Start the call by playing a tape recording that says, "If you are a first time user of Microsoft Pizza Order Quick Pro, press '1'. To begin taking the order, press '2'. At any time you may return to this menu by pressing star".

After the order taker tells you the price at the end of the call, pause several seconds, inhale deeply and ask "Do you know how much I admire the works Milan Kundera ?"

Tell them the elevator's broke so make sure to have the pizza in a heat retaining bag, cause your apartmant's on the 88th floor

When they ask for your telephone number, say "Well you seem nice and all, but I'm kinda going out with someone now"

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say in your best pouty voice "The last guy let me do it"
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